“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he said. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”
“He’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few…
Kids in the back-seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back-seat cause…kids.
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”
When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play Chess?
It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after!
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore.
I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A guy who fell into a lens grinding machine made a spectacle of himself.
He had a photographic memory, but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
I hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. Thank you, Dave Grossman, for providing some of these great jokes. If you have any good jokes, please send them to me. Thanks. Regarding all these jokes and cartoons, no copyright infringement is intended. The content is only for your enjoyment.