Some Longer Jokes
A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.
He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”
The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground.”
A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit…
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly…
She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied… You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. ‘There’s no charge,’ she says.
‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.
‘Honestly,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’
‘So I just switched the heads.’
Some Dad Jokes
- How do you cut the sea in half?
Answer: With a sea-saw.
- How do geologists ask each other out?
Answer: They say, “Are you a carbon sample? Because I’d love to date you.”
- Why did the physicist break up with the biologist?
Answer: There was no chemistry.
- Why didn’t the skeleton go to the ball?
Answer: Because he has no-body to go with.
- What do computers like to eat?
Answer: Chips.
- Why do plants hate algebra?
Answer: It gives them square roots.
- What kind of hair do oceans have?
Answer: Wavy hair.
- Where does bad light end up?
Answer: In a prism.
- What do you call a bunch of iron atoms at a carnival?
Answer: A Ferrous wheel.
- Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?
Answer: He wanted to win the no-bell prize.
Inspirational Quotes
- “When you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it.” —Theodore Roosevelt
- “Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion.” —Tina Fey
- “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” —Edward Bergen
- “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” —Drew Carey
- “There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” —Henry Kissinger
- “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” —Douglas Adams
- “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” —Phyllis Diller
- “By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day.” —Robert Frost
- “The road to success is always under construction.” —Lily Tomlin
- “Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.” —George Carlin
- “No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” —Groucho Marx
The Veteran
Dorothy Parker – 1893-1967
When I was young and bold and strong,
Oh, right was right, and wrong was wrong!
My plume on high, my flag unfurled,
I rode away to right the world.
“Come out, you dogs, and fight!” said I,
And wept there was but once to die.
But I am old; and good and bad
Are woven in a crazy plaid.
I sit and stay, “The world is so;
And he is wise who lets it go.
A battle lost, a battle won—
The difference is small, my son.”
Inertia rides and riddles me;
The which is called Philosophy.
I hope you liked these cartoons and jokes. If you have any anecdotes to contribute, please let me know. Thanks.
Regarding all these jokes and cartoons, no copyright infringement is intended. The content is only for your enjoyment.