These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, “We only have one rule here in heaven. Don’t step on the ducks.”
So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It’s almost impossible not to step on a duck there’s so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one.
St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen.
St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”
“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.
“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
A guy is late for an important meeting, but he can’t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. “Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!” A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. “Never mind. Found one!”
Jokes from Old Comedians
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, “Cough!”
“Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?” The doctor says, “Limp!”
A man goes to a psychiatrist. “Nobody listens to me!” The doctor says, “Next!”
I used to be allergic to soap but I’m clean now.
The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
Here is some advice from Phyllis Diller (a comedian from many years ago):
Whatever you may look like, try to marry a man your own age because as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him in the head with a frying pan.
‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied,
‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’.
The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’ The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon regaining consciousness, the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small, and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?”
To which the boy replies, “Now we run like Hell!”
Q: What breakfast cereal does Frosty the Snowman eat?
Q: Where does the snowman hide his money?
A: In the snow bank.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?
A: A pineapple!
Wi-Fi went down during family dinner tonight. One of the kids started talking and I didn’t know who she was.
Don’t you hate it when you pack the family into the VR room for some recreational virtual time travel, and the damn kids keep asking, “Are we then yet?”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a jellyfish? One is a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
Comments from George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
Save early, save often. Used to refer to how to handle your money. Now it refers to anyone who uses a computer.
Any science or technology which is sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from magic. – Arthur C. Clarke
Any technology that is distinguishable from magic is not sufficiently advanced. – Gregory Benford
Never let a computer know you’re in a hurry. – Anonymous
Some days I amaze myself.
Other days I look for my phone while I’m holding it.