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USER: cabbage
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USER: boiled cabbage
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USER: 1 boiled cabbage
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USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
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USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug.
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labor! What should I do?
He asked, “Is this her first child?”
“No, this is her first husband.”
Quote of the Century:Dear God, can you please uninstall 2020 and download it again? It has a virus in it.
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man “When are you going to pay for these beers?”
The man answers, “Now the problems start!”
Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
An actor had been out of work for 15 years because he always forgot his lines. Then one day he got a phone call from a director who wanted him for a big part in a play. All he had to say was, “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! After much worry, the actor decided to take the role. Opening night arrived, and while he waited in the wings, the actor muttered to himself “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar! The time for the entrance finally came, and as the actor made his appearance, he heard a loud brooooom! He turned around and said, “what the hell was that?
A farmer and a king died at the same time.
They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.
“Both of you were very good men,” says St. Peter, “but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?”
The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge delicious fruits.
“Wonderful,” said St. Peter. “What can you do, your majesty?”
The king immediately went to the nearest toilet and flushed it.
Ultimately, St. Peter decided to allow the king into heaven.
And the moral of the story is,
… A royal flush always wins against a pear, no matter how big.
A young driver became lost in a snowstorm. The teenager didn’t panic, however, because he remembered what his dad had once told him. “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it.”
Sure enough, pretty soon, a snowplow came by, and he started to follow it. He followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked the teen what he was doing. And he explained that his dad had told him if he ever got stuck in a snowstorm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?”
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. The man watched the game in astonishment for a while.
“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he said. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”
“He’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What was that all about?”
A butterfly gets pulled over by the cops for speeding. He hands the cop his driver’s license with 
a photo of a caterpillar on it. “Sorry, it’s an old picture.”
It is not clear where the concept of Murphy’s Law originated. Some say that the original Murphy’s Law was “If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it.”
The story goes that in 1947, Murphy was involved in a rocket-sled experiment in which all 16 accelerator instruments were installed in the wrong way, resulting in Murphy’s observation.
Murphy’s Law is sometimes expressed as “Anything that can go wrong, will — at the worst possible moment.”
An old man read in the paper one of his friends had been arrested for tax evasion and decided to write him a letter. He wrote that it was planting season again, but he didn’t have enough help to sow his fields this year.
The following morning a dozen law enforcement officers completely tilled the old man’s garden without an explanation. Later the mail arrived with a letter from his jailed friend which said “DO NOT DIG UP THE GARDEN WHERE I HID ALL THE CASH. It’s the best I can do from here.”