Category Archives: Technical Jokes

Technical Jokes and Cartoons-51

Cartoon Simplified Blogging-AtkinsonA guy is late for an important meeting, but he can’t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. “Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!” A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. “Never mind. Found one!”

Jokes from Old Comedians

 

Henry Youngman

 

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, “Cough!”

 

“Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?” The doctor says, “Limp!”

 

A man goes to a psychiatrist. “Nobody listens to me!” The doctor says, “Next!”

 

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Technical Jokes and Cartoons-50

Cartoon-Harris-Limit of UniverseI used to be allergic to soap but I’m clean now.

 

The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

 

What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.

 

Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!

 

My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.

 

Here is some advice from Phyllis Diller (a comedian from many years ago):

 

Whatever you may look like, try to marry a man your own age because as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

 

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Technical Jokes and Cartoons-49

Cartoon Harris- Black-HolesA man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him in the head with a frying pan.

 

‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied,

 

‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’.

 

The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’ The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

 

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon regaining consciousness, the man asked why she had hit again.

 

Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’

 

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Technical Jokes and Cartoons 48

Cartoon-Dinosaur BonesA priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small, and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?”

To which the boy replies, “Now we run like Hell!”

 

Seasonal jokes

Q: What breakfast cereal does Frosty the Snowman eat?
A: Snowflakes.

 

Q: Where does the snowman hide his money?
A: In the snow bank.

 

Q: What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?
A: A pineapple!

 

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Technical Jokes and Cartoons 47

Cartoon Brain-FullWi-Fi went down during family dinner tonight. One of the kids started talking and I didn’t know who she was.

 

Don’t you hate it when you pack the family into the VR room for some recreational virtual time travel, and the damn kids keep asking, “Are we then yet?”

 

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

 

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

 

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a jellyfish? One is a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.

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Technical Jokes and Cartoons 46

Comments from George Carlin

Cartoon-the Pi-Piper

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

 

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

 

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

 

If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.

 

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

 

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.

 

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

 

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Technical Jokes and Cartoons – 45

Cartoon-math-cantaloupesIf olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

 

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

 

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

 

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

 

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

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Technical Jokes and Cartoons – 44

cartoon-fossils-deviceSave early, save often. Used to refer to how to handle your money. Now it refers to anyone who uses a computer.

 

Any science or technology which is sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from magic. – Arthur C. Clarke

 

Any technology that is distinguishable from magic is not sufficiently advanced. – Gregory Benford

 

Never let a computer know you’re in a hurry. – Anonymous

 

Some days I amaze myself.

Other days I look for my phone while I’m holding it.

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Technical Jokes and Cartoons – 43

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She held up the box and said, “I bet it’s some flowers!”

“That’s right!” shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held up the box and said, “I bet it’s some chocolates!”

“That’s right!” shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held up the box and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

“Is it wine?” she asked.

“No,” the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

“Is it champagne?” she asked.

“No,” the boy answered.

“What is it?” she said.

“A puppy!”

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Technical Jokes and Cartoons – 42

cartoon-missing elephantI changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

 

I don’t enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.

 

When chemists die, they barium.

 

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

 

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

 

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

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