An engineer died and reported to the Pearly Gates. An intern angel, filling in for St Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, “Ah, you’re an engineer. You’re in the wrong place.”
So, the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.
Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, “That’s odd.”
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
Let’s start with some more Steve Wright – I do like his humor.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
Bill walks into his boss’s office one day and says, “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I’ve got three companies after me, and I’d like to respectfully ask for a raise.”
After a few minutes of haggling. the boss finally agrees to give him a 5% raise, and Bill happily gets up to leave.
“By the way”, asks the boss as Bill is leaving his office, “which three companies are after you?”
Bill replies, “The electric company, water company, and phone company.”
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.” The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.”
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
Question to IT Help Desk
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0 , MONEY 3.0 and ESPN 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
The IT Help Desk Responds
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Tonight’s Procrastinators Anonymous meeting has been postponed to tomorrow
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you’re not in shape, it’s too far to walk back
How to translate responses from your boss:
I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it.
I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.
Happy to discuss further. = Don’t ask me about this again.
No worries. = You really messed up this time.
Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.
Customer service jokes:
If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.
While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back
in 20 minutes. The woman asked, “Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”
When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district. Spellings have been left intact.
Please excuse Roland from p.e. For a few days.
Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip..
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side
Please excuse ray Friday from school.. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.