A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What was that all about?”
Benefits of being older:
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You got cable for the weather channel.
- You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
- You send money to PBS.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
A butterfly gets pulled over by the cops for speeding. He hands the cop his driver’s license with a photo of a caterpillar on it. “Sorry, it’s an old picture.”
It is not clear where the concept of Murphy’s Law originated. Some say that the original Murphy’s Law was “If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it.”
The story goes that in 1947, Murphy was involved in a rocket-sled experiment in which all 16 accelerator instruments were installed in the wrong way, resulting in Murphy’s observation.
Murphy’s Law is sometimes expressed as “Anything that can go wrong, will — at the worst possible moment.”
An old man read in the paper one of his friends had been arrested for tax evasion and decided to write him a letter. He wrote that it was planting season again, but he didn’t have enough help to sow his fields this year.
The following morning a dozen law enforcement officers completely tilled the old man’s garden without an explanation. Later the mail arrived with a letter from his jailed friend which said “DO NOT DIG UP THE GARDEN WHERE I HID ALL THE CASH. It’s the best I can do from here.”
Some quotes from Scientists:
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes, which can be made, in a very narrow field. – Niels Henrik David Bohr (1885-1962)
If a man will begin with certainties, he will end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he will end in certainties.
–Francis Bacon (1561-1626),_Advancement of Learning_
A fifteen-year-old boy came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?!”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” demanded his parents. “We know darn well what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?!? And to a kid?!?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “I don’t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on!”
These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, “We only have one rule here in heaven. Don’t step on the ducks.”
So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It’s almost impossible not to step on a duck there’s so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one.
St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen.
St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”
“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.
“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
A guy is late for an important meeting, but he can’t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. “Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!” A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. “Never mind. Found one!”
Jokes from Old Comedians
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, “Cough!”
“Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?” The doctor says, “Limp!”
A man goes to a psychiatrist. “Nobody listens to me!” The doctor says, “Next!”
I used to be allergic to soap but I’m clean now.
The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
Here is some advice from Phyllis Diller (a comedian from many years ago):
Whatever you may look like, try to marry a man your own age because as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him in the head with a frying pan.
‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied,
‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’.
The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’ The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon regaining consciousness, the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’