Category: Technical Jokes

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
“Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?” asks the confused waiter as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produces a wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
“I’m a panda,” he says at the door. “Look it up.”
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.
“Panda: Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots, and leaves.”

An older woman went to a walk-in clinic where a young, new doctor saw her.

After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was.

After she told him what had happened, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to the first doctor.

‘What is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown children and several grandchildren! And you told her she was pregnant?! Are you insane?!’

If you think the microwave is collecting data and the TV is spying on you is bad. The vacuum has been collecting dirt on you for years.

---

I asked my friend, “after 40 years of marriage, and you still call your wife ‘Darling, Honey, love. What’s the secret?”

My friend replied, “I forgot her name 10 years ago, and I’m scared to ask her.”

---

Waitress: How did you find your steak, sir?

I just looked next to the potatoes, and there it was.

---

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room, you find your wife sitting in a chair… Kill her!!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

Every truth has two sides; it is as well to look at both, before we commit ourselves to either.

Aesop

A child asked his father, “Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?”
The father answered, “Only when they call each other liars.”

There are only three things that tell the truth in the world
Kids, Alcoholics, and yoga pants.

A bunch of evolutionary scientists got together for a cookout one day.

They got a bunch of stuff to grill up, but everyone was most excited about the sausages.

The scientists counted the sausages to make sure there were enough for everyone, and even though they initially thought they had enough they were one short. They checked the cooler, the fridge, and everywhere else they could think to look, but science still has yet to find the missing link.

Cookwitch Sandwich

Shel Silverstein

I heard that Katrina
The Cook was a witch,
But me, I’m such
A stupid kid,
I yelled, “Hey! Katrina,
Make me a sandwich,”
and ZAP —
She did!

---

Jack: My uncle swallowed a frog.

Jill: Goodness, did it make him sick?

Jack: Sick! He’s liable to croak any minute!

---

What do you call a small bread that is moving rhythmically to music?

Abundance

The Priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night

Whispering firmly, the Priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him! “The dying man said nothing.

The Priest repeated his order. Still, the man said nothing. The Priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil? “The dying man said, “Until I know for sure where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”

Some pick-up lines from engineers

1. Let’s convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
2. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
3. Wanna come back to my room? …and see my new gaming laptop? It’s got a 10th Generation Intel® Core™ i9-10980HK computer.
4. Why don’t we measure the coefficient of static friction between you and me?

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, “For your lifelong career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay for the rest of eternity.”

Then St Peter turned to the Uber driver and said, “For your 2 years as an Uber driver, we will give you a giant mansion by the lake and a Ferrari in a heated garage.”