An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven
Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.
The priest was called first, and St Peter said, “For your lifelong career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay for the rest of eternity.”
Then St Peter turned to the Uber driver and said, “For your 2 years as an Uber driver, we will give you a giant mansion by the lake and a Ferrari in a heated garage.”
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’
The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’
Why programmers like cooking: You peel the carrot, chop the carrot, and put the carrot in the stew. You don’t suddenly find that the peeler is several versions behind, and they dropped support for carrots.
A man is buying a banana, an apple, and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: “Wow, how did you know that?”
Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”
My wife told me I’ve grown as a person
Her actual words were, “You’ve gotten fat,” but I know what she meant.
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally, they got married and had a little sweet potato, which they called ‘Yam.’
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally mashed, get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot Potato,’ and end up with many Tater Tots.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high-class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, ‘Frito Lay.’
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (Potato University ) so that she’d really be in the Chips when she graduated.
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
The bus driver said, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the farebox and took an aisle seat near the bus’s rear.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
“The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.”
“You’re right,” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”
“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”
Continue reading “Technical Jokes and Cartoons-72”A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So, what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
You might not recognize one of the holidays. Hogswatch Night was created by Terry Pratchett, who is one of my favorite authors
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, ‘Son, how old are you?’
‘Eight,’ the boy replied.
The man continued, ‘Do you know what these are used for?’
The boy replied, ‘Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four.”
“Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin.
“Yes.” the boy said. “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those.”
An art student got tired of working at a fast-food restaurant and decided to get a job working as a laborer at a construction site.
Being an over-confident arts student, he soon began to brag to the other workers about all sorts of things.
One day he decided to brag that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of the senior engineer on the site. After several minutes, the engineer had had enough.
Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, “Just for fun, Mama, I’m going to bring over three women, and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch, and they chat for a while
He then says, “Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?”
Mama says immediately, “The one on the right.”
“That’s amazing, Mama. You’re right. How did you know?”
Mama replies: “I don’t like her.”–
Continue reading “Technical Jokes and Cartoons-68”
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist; looked straight into his eyes, and said,
“I’d like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”