Comments from George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
Save early, save often. Used to refer to how to handle your money. Now it refers to anyone who uses a computer.
Any science or technology which is sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from magic. – Arthur C. Clarke
Any technology that is distinguishable from magic is not sufficiently advanced. – Gregory Benford
Never let a computer know you’re in a hurry. – Anonymous
Some days I amaze myself.
Other days I look for my phone while I’m holding it.
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She held up the box and said, “I bet it’s some flowers!”
“That’s right!” shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held up the box and said, “I bet it’s some chocolates!”
“That’s right!” shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held up the box and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
“Is it wine?” she asked.
“No,” the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
“Is it champagne?” she asked.
“No,” the boy answered.
“What is it?” she said.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
I don’t enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
They both have the same middle name.
A man walks into a bar and sits on a stool. After being served a beer, the bartender leaves the bar and goes into the back room. The man is alone in the bar, sipping his beer when he hears, “You’re looking pretty good. Have you been working out?” The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone.
He turns back to his beer and hears the voice again, “That’s a nice shirt. It goes well with your pants.” Again the man looks around and doesn’t see anyone.
When the bartender returns to the bar, the man says, “The funniest damned thing has been going on. Someone seems to be talking to me, but I can’t see anyone.
“Oh that,” says the bartender. “It’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary.”
A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings.
The physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculator, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The mathematician runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, “There IS a solution!”, and then burns to death.
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Infinity – where no-one can get, but where all lines meet.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.
The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
The meaning of opaque is unclear.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
Did you know they won’t be making yardsticks any longer?
What is a thesaurus’s favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
Right now, I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I’ve forgotten this before.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
A chemistry joke:
What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms?
A: 2 Na fish.