Infinity – where no-one can get, but where all lines meet.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.
The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
The meaning of opaque is unclear.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
Did you know they won’t be making yardsticks any longer?
What is a thesaurus’s favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
Right now, I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I’ve forgotten this before.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
A chemistry joke:
What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms?
A: 2 Na fish.
Jack made his way through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy – Either way, you get your dog back!”
Here are some silly puns and jokes.
- An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
- Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
- A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.”
Back in the 1800’s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression; “He who has a Tates is lost!”
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
An engineer died and reported to the Pearly Gates. An intern angel, filling in for St Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, “Ah, you’re an engineer. You’re in the wrong place.”
So, the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.
Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, “That’s odd.”
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
Let’s start with some more Steve Wright – I do like his humor.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
Bill walks into his boss’s office one day and says, “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I’ve got three companies after me, and I’d like to respectfully ask for a raise.”
After a few minutes of haggling. the boss finally agrees to give him a 5% raise, and Bill happily gets up to leave.
“By the way”, asks the boss as Bill is leaving his office, “which three companies are after you?”
Bill replies, “The electric company, water company, and phone company.”
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.” The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.”
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
Question to IT Help Desk
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0 , MONEY 3.0 and ESPN 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
The IT Help Desk Responds
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.