A bum comes up to me in the street and says I haven’t had a bite in three days, so I bit him.
A woman approached me and said, “I’ll do anything for $50.” I said, “Okay, paint my house.”
The definition of ambivalence. Your mother-in-law driving over a cliff in your new Cadillac.
A man asks his broker what’s the latest dope on Wall Street. He says my son.
A man is getting dressed in the gym and putting on a girdle. His friend asks, “When did you start wearing that?” He says, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment of my car.”
A man in a bar keeps falling down, so another patron offers to take him home. He gets to the man’s house, and he falls a couple of times on the way to the door. He rings the bell, and a woman answers, and he says Madam, I brought your husband home. She says, “Where’s his wheelchair?”
This is one of my favorite.
A man is lost in the woods and comes to a monastery. They invite him in and ask him to have dinner with them. The dinner is fish and chips, the best he’s ever eaten. He asks to meet the chef. The chef comes out and he stands up to shake his hand and asks if he’s the fish fryer. He says no, I’m the chip monk.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
I was going to tell you a joke about time travel, but you didn’t like it.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I went to a seafood disco last week. I pulled a mussel.
At my funeral, I want the coffin to arrive half an hour late and a guy to run alongside it saying, “Sorry he’s late, he’s always been like this.”
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM. Can you believe that? 2:30 AM! Luckily, I was still up playing my bagpipes.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
I wanted to be a monk, but I never got the chants.
A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but cellophane underwear. The psychiatrist says, “I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed—I never knew they worked.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”
I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.
One day, Jesus is helping St. Peter at the gates of heaven when an old man approaches.
“What have you done to enter Paradise?” Jesus asks.
“Me?” replies the old man, “Not much. I am just a simple carpenter, but my son makes me worthy.”
“Your son?” asks Jesus.
“Yes, my son. He was born under remarkable circumstances and underwent a miraculous transformation. He was loved by many and continues to be loved to this very day. His name will never be forgotten.”
Jesus approaches the man and hugs him tightly, “Father!”
The old man hugs him back, “Pinocchio?”
I hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. If you have any good jokes, please send them to me. Thanks.
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