A man was lost in the desert. He was desperate for water. Finally, he found a small town, and in the town was a shop. He went into the shop and found a small man behind the counter. “Help me,” he said. “I would like some water.”
The storekeeper replied, “Sorry, I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.
The thirsty man shouted, “What, you lousy shopkeeper, I don’t want a tie, I need water.”
“Sorry, I have none, just ties. And only $5.”
“Pahh! A curse on your ties. I should wrap one around your scrawny neck and choke the life out of you!”
“Okay, said the shopkeeper. It doesn’t matter that you don’t want to buy a tie or that you hate me. I will help you. If you continue a few blocks down this road, you will come to a restaurant. It had the finest food and all the ice-water you needed. Go in peace.”
Cursing him again, the desperate man staggers down the road.
Several hours later, the desperate man crawls back and gasps…
“They won’t let me in without a tie!”
ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST
A neologism is a new word or phrase, that is that modifies a word to have a new meaning. Here are some examples of words with alternative meanings for common words provided by readers.
1. Coffee (N.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (V.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (V.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (Adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (Adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door
in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (V.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (N.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
Another form of this word invention adds or subtracts one letter that creates a new definition.
- Bozone (N.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
- Cashtration (N.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period
- Giraffiti (N): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
- Sarchasm (N): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
- Inoculatte (V): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
- Hipatitis (N): Terminal coolness.
Some Interesting Observations
Nothing spoils a good story than an eyewitness.
-Mark Twain
“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”
― Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”
― Albert Einstein
Some Medical Jokes
Q: What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Q: What did the banana say to the nurse?
A: I’m here to see the doctor. I am not peeling well.
Q: What did the nurse say when the doctor decided to stay home?
A: “Suture self!”
Q: When is the worst time to have a heart attack around a nurse?
A: During a game of charades!
Q: Why was the nurse angry?
A: She ran out of patients.
Q: What did the patient say when the nurse informed him that he had acute appendix?
A: “Compared to whom?”
Some Different Thoughts
Roses are red
That much is true
but violets are purple
Not freakin’ blue
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck
You’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk
Coming soon: Star Wars 12
Luke Needs a Walker
Killing them with kindness is taking much longer than I expected.
Mary had a little lamb
And the doctor nearly fainted
To err is human. To blame it on someone else shows management potential
I used to live a hand-to-mouth existence.
Then somebody told me about silverware.
Invictus
William Ernest Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
I hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. If you have any good jokes, please send them to me. Thanks.
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