“Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.” — Bill Murray
A Catholic man who lives for baseball has been struck by a car while walking home after a game. He is in hospital … conscious, but in a serious condition. He asks for a priest to visit—he has a question he desperately wants answered. When the priest arrives, the man says, “Father, I must know … is there baseball in heaven?”
The priest replies, “To be honest, my son, I don’t know. Let me ask God tonight in my prayers, and I’ll come back to you tomorrow with an answer.”
The following day, the priest walks into the ward and says to the man, “I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?”
The man asks for the good news first. The priest says, “Yes, my son, God has assured me that there is baseball in heaven!”
“Thank God for that!”, says the man. “But what is the bad news?” “The bad news is, you’ll be pitching tomorrow!”
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies, “I’m Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it’s the priest’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.” Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Just a minute,’ says the good father. “That man was a pilot, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, while I get a cotton robe and a piece of wood. How can that be?”
“Up here, we go by results,” says Saint Peter. “When you preached, people slept. When he flew, people prayed.”
Marketing 101
- A professor explained about marketing to MBA students.
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party, you go to her and say “I am rich, marry me.” That’s direct marketing.
- You attend a party and your friend goes to the girl to tell her, he’s rich, marry him. That’s advertising.
- The same girl at the party walks to you and says, “you’re rich, do you want to marry me?” That’s brand recognition.
- You say I’m rich, marry me and she introduces you to her husband. That’s the demand and supply gap.
- Before you say I’m rich, marry me, your wife arrives. That’s restriction from entering a new market.
The English Language is Strange
- “The word ‘queue’ is just the letter Q followed by four silent letters waiting their turn.”
- “The past tense of “teach” is “taught”. English is a language where you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway.”
- “The Oxford comma: the difference between a panda that eats shoots and leaves, and a panda that eats, shoots, and leaves.”
- “Why is it called a building if it’s already built?”
I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s something fishy about that place.
Why did the coffee taste like dirt?
Because it was ground just a few minutes ago.
What did the full glass say to the empty glass?
You look drunk.
Some More Silly Ones
- When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think its cute. I just think it’s crazy how many people bring knives on a date.
- A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says “uno, dos…” poof. He disappeared without a tres.
I hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. If you have any good jokes, please send them to me. Thanks.
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