I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, how do you know I’m not a serial killer?
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car are astronomical.”
I taught my kids about democracy last night by having them vote on which movie to watch and which pizza to order.
I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit, “What’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O,” said the rabbit.
I’ve opened a gym where the instructors go door to door to tell people about the benefits of joining. “What is it called?”
“Jehovah’s Fitness.”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures.”
They really missed an opportunity to call them “substitooths.”
In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray twice a day, every day, for a long time. So she went to check it out.
She went to the Wailing Wall, and there he was!
She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”
“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace. I pray for all the hatred to stop and for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a wall!”
Some Puns
A person assaulted me with milk, cream, and cheese! How DAIRY!
The tree had a fascinating life until it ended up in the sawmill. Now it’s board.
A dung beetle walks into a bar. Has a look around and leaves. All the stools were taken.
When two cows are ignoring each other, it means they have beef.
A Long Joke
A Scottish guy wanted a donkey for his young son….he spotted an advert for one for sale and went along to look at it.
When he got to the farm, the farmer told him.‘I’m really sorry…I’m afraid the donkey died last night’
…‘OK….so how much are yee asking for it’?‘
Sorry? I just told you it’s dead’!‘
Aye…I heerd yee…so how much d’yee want fer it’?
Very patiently, the guy explains very slowly.
‘The….donkey…is …dead’.
‘AYE…I heerd yee!…Look…I’ll give yee £20.00 for it…noo is it a deal or no’?
So the farmer asks ( as you might ).
‘what the hell are you going to do with a dead donkey’?
‘I’ll sell it’!…
‘b..b…you can’t sell a dead donkey’!
‘Watch me’.
So he loads up the dead donkey and goes on his way.
A month or so later, the farmer bumped into the guy at the local market.
‘How did you get on with the Donkey’?
‘I did very well…I got over £6000.00 fer it’!
‘WHAT!? How the hell did you do that!?’
‘I sold raffle tickets at £10.00 each…I sold 650 of ’em’!
‘Sweet Jesus!…didn’t anybody complain that the poor bugger was dead’?
‘Aye…the guy that won did…so I gave him a refund’.
Who is Working?
The population of this country is 300 million.
60 million are retired.
That leaves 240 million to do the work.
There are 95 million in school.
Which leaves 145 million to do the work.
Of this there are 22 million employed by the government.
Leaving 123 million to do the work.
61 million are disabled.
Leaving 62 million to do the work.
15 million are collecting unemployment.
Leaving 47 million to do the work.
40 million are of working age, but not working and not actively looking for work.
Leaving 7 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces.
Which leaves 4.2 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 900,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 3,300,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 3,299,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your ass,
reading jokes..
After five long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein’s office shouting…
“Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!”
Einstein rolls his eyes, “It’s about time.”
“May ya live as long as ya want, and not want as long as ya live,” is an Irish toast.
“Bread, eggs, cinnamon, and maple syrup” is a French toast.
I hope you liked these cartoons and jokes. If you have any jokes to contribute, please let me know. Thanks.
Regarding all these jokes and cartoons, no copyright infringement is intended. The content is only for your enjoyment.