Technical Jokes and Cartoons – 120

A guy walking in the woods meets a dog and shares his last meal.
The dog says, “Thanks, buddy.”
The man says, “How about that? You can talk.”
The dog says, “Yeah, I escaped from an experimental lab, but I don’t shout about it.”
The man says come home with me. I’ve got an idea that will make us a fortune.

He takes the dog home, feeds it well, and takes it to the pub, where he bets his mates that the dog will talk for a tenner. He gets the money. Then he says, ” OK, boy, talk.”
The dog just looks at him.
“Cmon boy” he encouraged
The dog whimpers and lies down
He must pay out all the money amid howls of laughter. Dejected, he walks home with the dog.
“You bastard, “he says. You cost me a fortune, and everyone laughed at me.
“Yeah,” says the dog, “but think of the odds we’ll get tomorrow.”

One morning, I watched my wife make her breakfast and noticed that she made too many trips to get each item she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey, sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing the total distance traveled?”
Well, don’t you know, she loved my suggestion!
It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.

Cartoon Monster

One day, an engineer was crossing a road when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke again, saying, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.”
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to the pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – now that’s cool”.

Cartoon You’re Negative

Random thoughts

If I had 50 cents for every math test I failed, I’d have $7.20.
Some people are like clouds. Once they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
“Calling bigotry an opinion is like calling arsenic a flavor.”- Jack Cameron.

Transcripts of Lawyers in Court

LAWYER: Now, sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–
WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death…
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

Driving in Boston (or New York City)

Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.
Always look both ways when running a red light.
Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
Making eye contact revokes your right of way.