Technical Jokes and Cartoons -122

The world’s richest man is dying. He’s made peace with that. But what bothers him is no one in the afterlife will even know it.

He’s a self-made man who created this vast fortune from scratch, but he can’t take it with him. Not that he could spend it, of course, but just to SHOW everyone what a great success the poor boy had become.

He broods over this so that his guardian angel is worried. One night, the angel flies to Heaven to consult God. God says, “Well, earthly wealth has no place here.”

The angel replies, “I know, Lord, but he’s been such a good man. He did a lot for charity and ran his business honestly. He’s only human. He can’t help having this little quirk. Isn’t there something we can do to ease his mind?

God thinks for a moment. ”All right. Let’s look him up in the Book of Life.” The Book shows a history of the man’s life; God is moved to see his struggles.

He tells the guardian angel, “Wake him and tell him I will allow him to bring one suitcase-only one, mind you. And he can fill it with whatever wealth he chooses. It will be brought to heaven with him at the moment of his death.”

The angel goes down and gives the message. The guy is happy, but what should he bring? Our money would mean nothing to people from another time. Jewels could be faked, and stocks and bonds could not be traded, so they’d be so much paper. Finally, it dawns on him: Gold! Gold has been valued throughout history.

He gets the biggest suitcase, fills it with gold bars, and sets it beside his bed. Now, he can die in peace, and he does.

True to the promise, he arrives at the Pearly Gates with his suitcase. St. Peter greets him warmly and says, “All right. Let’s see what was so important to you that eternal life and bliss weren’t enough”

The man proudly opens the suitcase with row after row of little gold bars.

St. Peter stares at it, puzzled, and says, “You brought pavement?”

Science Jokes

Physics: Two atoms are walking down the street, and one suddenly stops and says, “Oh no, I think I lost an electron!” The other atom asks, “Are you positive?”
Mathematics: Why was the equal sign so humble? Because he knew he wasn’t less than or greater than anyone else.
Philosophy: René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him if he’d like a drink. Descartes replies, “I think not,” and disappears.
Literature: Why did Shakespeare always write in ink? Because pencils confused him – 2B or not 2B?
Chemistry: A neutron walks into a bar and asks, “How much for a drink? “The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”
Biology: What did the biologist wear to impress their date? Designer genes.
Computer Science: There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t.
History: Why don’t we ever tell secrets on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Psychology: How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis—er, ladder!
Linguistics:

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that in English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.
A voice from the back of the room says, “Yeah, right.”

Just before Thanksgiving, a lady went shopping for a turkey for the Harvest Feast. She was rummaging around the frozen bird display, looking for a turkey just the *right* size. She’d pick up one, weigh it in her hands, and put it down, trying more than a few birds. She finally picked up one and saw a stockboy coming down the aisle. Holding the turkey up, she asked the fella, “Do these get any bigger?”.

The stockboy looked at her and replied, “No, Lady, they’re dead.”