Technical Jokes and Cartoons -123

A consultant died, and when he reached heaven, he was met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Where am I?” asked the consultant,

“You have died and reached the gates to heaven”, said St Peter – “now we have to decide whether to admit you”

“There must be some mistake,” said the consultant – “I’m much too young to die – I’m only 42”

“Oh,” said St Peter, let me check your file…

“Aha,” said St Peter, “I can see the problem now. According to how many hours you’ve charged your clients, you’re 95.”

Yogi Berra

Yogi was an American professional baseball catcher who later became a manager and coach. He played 19 seasons in Major League Baseball (MLB) (1946–1963, 1965), all but the last for the New York Yankees. 

Berra was known for his impromptu pithy comments, malapropisms, and seemingly unintentional witticisms, known as “Yogi-isms.” These often took the form of either an apparent tautology or a contradiction, but often with underlying humor and wisdom.

Yogi Berra-isms are among my favorites.

Here are 12 of them:

1. When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

2. You can observe a lot by just watching.

3. It ain’t over till it’s over.

4. It’s like déjà vu all over again.

5. No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.

6. Baseball is 90% mental, and the other half is physical.

7. A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.

8. Always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise, they won’t come to yours.

9. We made too many wrong mistakes.

10. Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.

11. You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.

12. You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you.

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around.

He heard a soft voice say, “Jesus is watching you.” Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.

Again, the voice said, “Jesus is watching you”.

He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.

He asked the parrot if he was the one talking, and the parrot said, “Yes.”

He asked the parrot what his name was, and the parrot said, “Moses.”

The burglar asked, “what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?”

The parrot said, “the same kind of people who would name their Rottweiler Jesus”.

It was a beautiful Sunday morning. The pastor looked out and decided to skip his church service to play a round of golf.

He called in and reported being “too sick” to preach and having to take the day off “to recover.”

When he reached the golf course, an angel reported his deception to God and asked what God intended to do.

“He needs to be punished,” said the angel, “what do you want to do?”

“Let me take care of that,” said God,

The pastor had the best day of golf ever. He sunk a 35′ putt, knocked in a chip shot out of a sand bunker, and finally, on the last hole, hit a 420′ shot that bounced off a tree and bounced into the hole… a 420 hole in one.

“I thought you were going to punish him,” said the Angel.

“I did,” said God, “one of the greatest rounds in all of golf history… and who can he tell?”

Husband Versus Wife

Wife: I am not talking to you.

Husband: Okay.

Wife: Don’t you want to know the reason?

Husband: No, I trust and respect your decision, honey.

Wife: I lost my keys again!

Husband: It’s in your jeans.

Wife: Don’t drag my family into this.

Husband: The guy your friend is going to marry is not a nice man. Stop her.

Wife: Why should I? Did she stop me?

Wife: I feel horrible. I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to compliment me.

Husband: Your eyesight is damn near perfect.

Wife: Dearie, this computer is not working. It doesn’t listen to my command.

Husband: Darling, it is a computer, not a husband.

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I hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. If you have any good jokes, please send them to me.  Thanks.

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