A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
Some people pick their nose, but I was born with mine.
I made six figures last year. But this year, I’ll earn less since the toy factory fired me for being so slow.
Atoms are very successful. They’re into everything.
I read that by law, you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden. But how am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
I ran track in high school, but luckily I never got hit by a train.
Did I tell you the joke about amnesia? No, really, did I? I can’t remember.
I never liked facial hair as a kid, but then it grew on me.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re that good at it.
What is the most popular fish in the ocean?
A starfish.
Why is grass so dangerous?
Because it’s full of blades.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, “Look, mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized, saying, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”
Why do people of all ages love elevator jokes?
Because they work on so many levels.
What is the Easter Bunny’s favorite type of music?
Hip-hop.
Why did the judge crash his car?
Justice is blind.
Why did the dad go down the side of a mountain inside a giant tire?
To be a good roll model.
Dad: “Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?”
Daughter: “No. What happened?”
Dad: “The teacher woke him up.”
Son: “Dad, where do babies come from?”
Dad: “Why? You want me to return you?”
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says.
“Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
Two men are stumbling through a forest, extremely drunk, when they come upon some tracks.
“Look,” says one of them. “Deer tracks.”
“What?” The other squints. “No, they’re elk tracks.”
“No, I’m pretty sure they’re deer tracks.”
“I’m telling you they’re elk tracks.”
By now, the two men are getting increasingly agitated. They each take a step closer to each other.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. They’re deer tracks.”
“Are ya blind? They’re elk tracks!”
They each take another step closer, onto the tracks.
“Look, I don’t know what you think elk tracks look like, but these are clearly deer tracks!”
“If you want to disbelieve reality, that’s fine by me! But I’m telling ya, these are elk tracks!”
They’re still arguing about it when the train hits them.
Dad did a grape job raisin me.
Never take anything a young cat does too seriously. They’re just kitten.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
I got rid of our vacuum. It only gathers dust.
Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Age isn’t just a number—it’s a word.
I tried to make a joke about retirement, but it didn’t work.
What do you call a lion with no teeth?
Whatever you want—he can’t bite you!
Who did the frog call when his car broke down?
A toad truck.
Do you know why birds build nests?
Housing permits take too long.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh.
What is a fancy fish called?
So-fish-ticated.
My dog accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. I think it might spell disaster.
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll try a grape.
It hurts me to say this, but I have a sore throat.
I hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. If you have any good jokes, please send them to me. Thanks.
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