An old man in a candy store sees a strange bottle in the back room. He picks it up, looks at it, and rubs it, and the genie escapes. The genie is so grateful that he asks the man what he would like. The old man says he always wanted to go to Atlantic City. The old man says, “I have no one to take care of the store if I go.” The genie says, “Go, and I’ll take care of the store.” The old man asks him if he knows how to care for a candy store, and the genie says, I am a genie, I can do anything. So the old man goes, and the genie does a good job taking care of the store. The old folks file in in the morning and ask Where’s Sol. The genie says he went to Atlantic City. So they ask if he’s taking care of the store. He says, I am the genie, I can do anything. So he says, “All right, all right, make me a malted.” The genie says, “Poof, you’re a malted.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nobel.
Nobel who?
Nobel, so I had to knock!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ayatollah.
Ayatollah who?
Ayatollah you already!
What invention allows us to see through walls?
Windows.
What word gets shorter when you add two letters?
Short.
What’s the most religious animal?
A monkey.
A man walks into a circus seeking a job and tells the ringmaster he has an act no one has ever seen. Intrigued, the ringmaster agrees to watch.
The man pulls out a sledgehammer and says, “Hit me in the head with this as hard as you can. I’ll get knocked out, then stand up and yell ‘Ta-da!’”
“There’s no way I could do that, you’d most certainly die!” “Trust me!” Said the man, “You will hit me with that hammer, I will get knocked down, then I will get back up again, lift up my arms and shout ‘TA-DA!’. I will not die.”
Reluctantly, the ringmaster swings. The man collapses, unconscious. Panic ensues; an ambulance is called, and the man is rushed to the hospital in critical condition.
Years pass. The ringmaster visits daily, consumed by guilt. One day, as life support is about to be withdrawn, the man suddenly awakens, stands up, raises his arms, and looks around the room. He sees the ringmaster, who looks dumbfounded, tears in his eyes.
and proclaims, “Ta-da!”
What kind of cat should you never trust?
A cheetah.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese!
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours and is sitting on the table?
Still nacho cheese!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
What did the mommy tomato say to wake the kid tomato up?
“Ketchup!”
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I’m not going to spread it!
What’s a tortilla’s favorite genre of music?
Wrap.
What did one plate say to another plate?
“Tonight, dinner’s on me.”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Why did the woman name her puppies Rolex and Timex?
Because they were watchdogs.
Which dogs excel at science?
Labs.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a flightless bird?
An Emooooooo.
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because if they flew over the bay, we’d call them bagels.
At a Lecture given by Bertrand Russell
A lady in the audience stood up and said, “You’ve been telling us a load of nonsense. The Earth is actually a flat disk that rests on the back of a giant tortoise.”
Russell agreed and smiled superiorly before replying:
“Oh, and what does the tortoise rest on?”
“You are very intelligent, young man, very intelligent indeed,” the old lady replied casually, “but it is obvious that every tortoise rests on another tortoise! From there on down they are all tortoises!”
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