Technical Jokes and Cartoons – 132

A man undergoes a physical exam. He asks the doctor, “How do I stand?” The doctor says, “I don’t know. That’s what puzzles me.”

I take my wife everywhere, but she still finds her way home.

This 95-year-old man married a 94-year-old woman, and they drove to Niagara Falls for a honeymoon. They spent two weeks trying to get out of the car.

I had an uncle who was a psychic. He knew exactly when he was going to die. The warden told him.

A man tells his doctor he has a ringing in his ear. The doctor tells him, ”Just don’t answer.”

Some Lawyer Jokes

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I’m going with a male.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

LAWYER: What happened then?
WITNESS: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’
LAWYER: Did he kill you?
WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
WITNESS: I only have one, you know.

Questions Looking for Answers!

If poison passes its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
Which letter is silent in the word “scent,” the “s” or the “c?”
Do twins ever realize that at least one of them is unplanned?
Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn’t it be called double V?
Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims.”
One hundred years ago, everyone owned a horse, and only the rich had cars. Today, everyone has cars, and only the rich own horses.
Some Great Confusions are Still Unresolved.
At a movie theater, which armrest is yours?
Why is there a ‘d’ in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

Vagaries of the English Language!

Ever wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?
Why isn’t a fireman called a water-man?
How come lipstick doesn’t do what it says?
If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks have branches?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
Why are goods sent by ship called cargo, and those sent by truck shipment?
Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the cupboard?
Why do doctors ‘practice’ medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?
Why is it called ‘rush hour’ when traffic moves at its slowest then?
How come noses run and feet smell?
Why do they call it a TV ‘set’ when there is only one?
What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?
Did you know that if you replace “W” with “T” in “What, Where, and When”, you get the answer to each of them?