Technical Jokes and Cartoons – 132

A man undergoes a physical exam. He asks the doctor, “How do I stand?” The doctor says, “I don’t know. That’s what puzzles me.”

I take my wife everywhere, but she still finds her way home.

This 95-year-old man married a 94-year-old woman, and they drove to Niagara Falls for a honeymoon. They spent two weeks trying to get out of the car.

I had an uncle who was a psychic. He knew exactly when he was going to die. The warden told him.

A man tells his doctor he has a ringing in his ear. The doctor tells him, ”Just don’t answer.”

Some Lawyer Jokes

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I’m going with a male.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

LAWYER: What happened then?
WITNESS: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’
LAWYER: Did he kill you?
WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
WITNESS: I only have one, you know.

Questions Looking for Answers!

• If poison passes its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
• Which letter is silent in the word “scent,” the “s” or the “c?”
• Do twins ever realize that at least one of them is unplanned?
• Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn’t it be called double V?
• Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
• The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims.”
• One hundred years ago, everyone owned a horse, and only the rich had cars.  Today, everyone has cars, and only the rich own horses.
• Some Great Confusions are Still Unresolved.
• At a movie theater, which armrest is yours?
• Why is there a ‘d’ in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
• Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

Vagaries of the English Language!

• Ever wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?
• Why isn’t a fireman called a water-man?
• How come lipstick doesn’t do what it says?
• If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks have branches?
• If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
• How do you get off a non-stop flight?
• Why are goods sent by ship called cargo, and those sent by truck shipment?
• Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the cupboard?
• Why do doctors ‘practice’ medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?
• Why is it called ‘rush hour’ when traffic moves at its slowest then?
• How come noses run and feet smell?
• Why do they call it a TV ‘set’ when there is only one?
• What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?
• Did you know that if you replace “W” with “T” in “What, Where, and When”, you get the answer to each of them?

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I hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. If you have any good jokes, please send them to me.  Thanks.

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