Technical Jokes and Cartoons – 133

Getting Older

Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf.
Eventually, you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve travelled a long way, and some of the roads weren’t paved.
How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Jokes from Henny Youngman, a Classic Comedian

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

I was going to tell you a joke about time travel, but you didn’t like it.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I went to a seafood disco last week. I pulled a mussel.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed—I never knew they worked.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife’s bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!

I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.

A guy says, I’m so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I’ll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You’re seventy-four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, “You told me yesterday.”

Some Lawyer Jokes

LAWYER: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
WITNESS: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

LAWYER: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

LAWYER: Have you lived in this town all your life?
WITNESS: Not yet.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

LAWYER: Did you blow your horn or anything?
WITNESS: After the accident?
LAWYER: Before the accident.
WITNESS: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

“My Shadow” by Robert Louis Stevenson

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.

The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow—
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an india-rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there’s none of him at all.

My Shadow

I hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. If you have any good jokes, please send them to me. Thanks.

No copyright infringement is intended for these jokes and cartoons. The content is designed for your enjoyment only.

Bob Mesnik