Technical Jokes and Cartoons – 133

Getting Older

• Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf.
• Eventually, you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
• The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
• Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve travelled a long way, and some of the roads weren’t paved.
• How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
• When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Jokes from Henny Youngman, a Classic Comedian

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

I was going to tell you a joke about time travel, but you didn’t like it.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I went to a seafood disco last week. I pulled a mussel.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed—I never knew they worked.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife’s bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!

I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.

A guy says, I’m so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I’ll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You’re seventy-four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, “You told me yesterday.”

Some Lawyer Jokes

LAWYER: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
WITNESS: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

LAWYER: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

LAWYER: Have you lived in this town all your life?
WITNESS: Not yet.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

LAWYER: Did you blow your horn or anything?
WITNESS: After the accident?
LAWYER: Before the accident.
WITNESS: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

“My Shadow” by Robert Louis Stevenson

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