My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM. Can you believe that? 2:30 AM! Luckily, I was still up playing my bagpipes.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
I wanted to be a monk, but I never got the chants.
I said to my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’ She said, ‘I want to go somewhere I’ve never been before.’ I said, ‘Try the kitchen.’
A student and a professor are sitting next to each other on a plane. To pass the time, the professor asks the student if she wants to play a game, “All you have to do is ask a question, and if I get it wrong or don’t know the answer, I will give you five dollars, then I will ask you a question, and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars.”
“No,” she says, “I just want to sleep.”
He keeps asking, and she finally agrees when he says that if he gets it wrong, he will pay her five hundred dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars.
“What is the distance from the Earth to the Moon?” he asks.
She gives him 5 dollars. “What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?” she asks.
He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn’t gotten an answer, so he hands her $500. Then he asks her, “So what is the answer?”
She hands him 5 dollars.
Four rabbis are vigorously debating a Talmudic point. Three of them are taking one side, and the fourth, Mordecai, is taking the other side.
This goes on for a long time. Finally, Mordecai, in frustration, yells out, “God, tell them I’m right!”
Suddenly, a huge booming voice comes out of the sky and thunders, “Mordecai is RIGHT!”
One of the rabbis turns to the others and calmly says, “Well, now it’s 3 to 2.”
One guy says, “I read the other day that researchers have determined that men remain in adolescence into their 30s.
The other guy says, “How did they figure that out?”
First guy says, “They asked their wives.”
A guy takes his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’
A woman is having a bath. She hears a knock on the door.
She’s a bit worried. So she shouts out, “Who is it?” And he says, “It’s the blind man.”
She thinks, if he’s blind, he can’t see me, so she says, “Well, come in.” And as he comes in, he says, “Nice body. Where do you want the blinds?”
Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered drinks.
They then pulled out sandwiches from their briefcases.
The owner said, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches here!”
They looked at each other, shrugged, and exchanged sandwiches.
I hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. If you have any good jokes, please send them to me. Thanks.
No copyright infringement is intended for these jokes and cartoons. The content is intended solely for your enjoyment.
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