A family of mice was out walking and was suddenly surprised by a large cat. Father Mouse stood his ground, drew himself up to his full height, and shouted “BOW-WOW-WOW!!!” at the cat. The cat, alarmed, ran off.
The small mice were very impressed. “That was fantastic, Dad! How did you do that?”
“That, son, “explains Father Mouse, “demonstrates the value of learning a second language.”
Once upon a time….
A guy named Benny was walking along the beach when he spotted a magic urn that had washed up in the surf. He picked it up, dried it off, and out popped a Genie, who granted him three wishes on the condition that he never shave again in his lifetime, or he would be turned into an urn. He agreed, and his three wishes were wealth, power, and great looks. Ok, poof, his wishes were instantly granted. So Benny lived that fantastic life for decades with a beard that grew to 10 feet long, and one day thought, “It’s been many years, that Genie will have forgotten about me by now”, so he cut off his beard with a razor. Poof, he was instantly turned into an urn.
And the moral of this story is “A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast any time,” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Now that I have gotten older, I noticed that:
- Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.
- Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
- Lately, I’ve noticed people my age are so much older than me.
- “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering why I’m there.
- When I was a child, I thought nap time was a punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.
- Some days I have no idea what I’m doing out of bed.
- When I was born, I was so shocked by what I saw that I didn’t talk for a year and a half!
- A psychic midget escaped from jail, and the headlines read “Small Medium at Large”.
- A little hard work has never killed anyone, but why risk it?
- Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
- I want to die like my grandfather did: peacefully in his sleep– not screaming like the passengers in the car.
- Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
- Television is called a medium because it’s neither rare nor well done.
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick-boxing.
- I love self-deprecating humor. It’s too bad I’m no good at it.
- Energizer bunny arrested: charged with battery!
- What do you mean my birth certificate has expired?!
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
- What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that only eats endangered plants?
- Do you ever stop to think and then forget to start again?
- I often get lost in thought because the place is so foreign to me.
- “My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.”
- I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- My reality check bounced.
- Out of my mind; back in five minutes.
- When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets awfully crowded.
- Does that shirt come in an extra medium?
- If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you.
- He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
- Ham and eggs: a day’s work for a chicken, but a lifetime commitment for a pig.
- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
- Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside a dog, it’s too dark to read.
A Poem by Robert Frost
Nothing Gold Can Stay
Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
I hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. If you have any good jokes, please send them to me. Thanks.
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