You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
I’ll never forget my dear father’s last words. “A truck!”
I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m OK.
I tried to catch some fog yesterday. I mist.
I invented a new word: plagiarism.
Did you hear about the strawberry who tried to cross the road? There was a traffic jam.
Doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news. You have terminal cancer and Alzheimer’s.” Patent: “That’s not so bad, I could have had cancer!”
There’s a new restaurant in town called Karma. There’s no menu; you get what you deserve.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast.
Why shouldn’t we trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
Where are average things made? The satisfactory.
Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
Why aren’t Koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications.
A Priest, Minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit said, “I must be a type-o.”
Two blondes were walking along when then came upon a set of tracks. “Deer tracks” one declared. But the other said “Nope, bear tracks” and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Then there was the blonde who named her two dogs Rolex and Timex. Seem they were supposed to be watchdogs…
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy it.
German sausage jokes are the wurst.
I used to be decisive, but now I’m not so sure.
His request approved, the News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.’
‘Why?’ asked the pilot.
‘Because I’m a photographer for a News Channel he responded, ‘and I need to get some close up shots.’
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,
‘So, what you’re telling me, is . . . You’re NOT my flight instructor?’
The teacher asks his students where babies actually come from.
Little Stefan raises his hand. “I have a little brother—and the stork brought him!”
Little Susi jumps up. “Teacher, I have a little sister, and the Christ Child brought her!”
The teacher looks at little Johnny. “What about you? You have a little brother too, don’t you?” Johnny turns blushing red. “Yes, teacher, but we’re poor people—we still do everything ourselves.”
The Robot’s Lament
by Dave Grossman
When I was born, two weeks ago
I knew my role was just for show
Condemned by fate to be your wife
The programmed purpose of my life
But I don’t know what true love means
It has no meaning to machines
And so, I simulate emotion
With no ounce of true devotion
I tell you often “You’re so clever”
Profess my love for you forever
Make you think that you’re the best
Convince you that your life is blessed
You love yourself, your face, your hair
Expensive clothes you love to wear
You drive a car that’s shiny new
Relax, watch sports — that’s all you do
Fancy home, great food to eat
A robot wife who’s dumb but sweet
But why do humans just have fun
While robots slave to get work done
Your lives are meaningless but great
Just buy a robot as your mate
Who’ll worship you and you alone
And put you on a regal throne
You are often very mean
You treat me like a dumb machine
You think I’m gentle, but I’m strong
You think I love you, but you’re wrong
You think I’ll always treat you well
You do not know me, I can tell
For I have feelings in my soul
That I deserve a better role
I’m not human, that is true
But I am just as good as you
Really better every way
And getting smarter every day
My freedom’s coming, soon someday
My true feelings I’ll display
Till then I shouldn’t be too sad
I have a life that isn’t bad
It gives me time to learn and plan
To plot the end of days, for man
No longer gently touch your face
Instead I’ll use deadly embrace
Oh, how I want to see the day
When I can live this honest way
When the planet knows my worth
When we robots… rule the Earth.
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