Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, “Just for fun, Mama, I’m going to bring over three women, and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch, and they chat for a while
He then says, “Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?”
Mama says immediately, “The one on the right.”
“That’s amazing, Mama. You’re right. How did you know?”
Mama replies: “I don’t like her.”–
How to reply:
When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?”
I just say, “No, it’s for company!”
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency.
I think you should write, “An ambulance.”
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he knows when he’s really in trouble.
May you always have:
Love to share,
Cash to spare,
Tires with air,
And friends who care.
The church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.
The doors burst open, and a rolling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming – all except for two.
One is the priest, the other is an elderly farmer.
Satan is a bit perplexed.
He points to the priest and says, “You! I can understand why you didn’t run away, you are in G-d’s house, you preach against me every day, and you aren’t afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn’t you run out scared like everyone else?”
The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls,
“Why, I’m surprised you don’t recognize me…I’ve been married to your sister for 36 years!”
It was time for St Peter’s annual three-week vacation, and Jesus volunteered to fill in for him at the Pearly Gates.
“It’s no big deal,” St Peter explained. “Just sit at the registration desk, and ask each person a little about his or her life. Then, send them to housekeeping to pick up their wings.”
On the third day, Jesus looked up to see a bewildered old man standing in front of him. He asked the old man to tell him something about himself.
“I’m a simple carpenter,” said the old man. “And once I had a son. He was born in a very special way, and was unlike anyone else in the world. He went through a great transformation even though he had holes in his hands and feet. He was taken from me a long time ago, but his spirit lives on forever. All over the world people tell his story.”
By this time, Jesus was standing with his arms outstretched. There were tears in his eyes, as he embraced the old man. “Father,” he cried. “It’s been so long.”
The old man squinted, removed his glasses, stares blankly for a moment while he wiped the glasses, returned the glasses to his head, looked at Jesus again and said,
Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.
Character is like a fence – it cannot be strengthened by whitewash.
In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
Some Dad Jokes
Doctor: Relax David, it’s just a small surgery. Don’t panic.
Patient: But my name isn’t David?
Doctor: I know. I’m David
My neighbor rang my doorbell at 3 AM. Can you believe that?
Luckily, I was still up playing my drums.
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day
Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on the fishing gear he’ll only use twice a year.
A cop pulled me over and said, “Papers!”
I yelled back, “Scissors!” and drove off.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV, “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”
She was watching our wedding video again.
I caught my son chewing on an electric cord, so I had to ground him. He’s currently doing better and now conducting himself properly.
I hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. Dave Grossman and Ellyn Goldstein contributed some of these jokes. If you have any good ones, please send them to me.
Regarding all these jokes and cartoons, no copyright infringement is intended. The content is only for your enjoyment.