Cookwitch Sandwich
Shel Silverstein
I heard that Katrina
The Cook was a witch,
But me, I’m such
A stupid kid,
I yelled, “Hey! Katrina,
Make me a sandwich,”
and ZAP —
She did!
Jack: My uncle swallowed a frog.
Jill: Goodness, did it make him sick?
Jack: Sick! He’s liable to croak any minute!
What do you call a small bread that is moving rhythmically to music?
Abundance
A man moves into a haunted house
After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house, he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest’s help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says “Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we’ll repossess your house.”
A Jewish son tells his father he is moving out.
The son returns a year later and tells his father that he has converted to Christianity. The father is upset and calls his friend who is also Jewish. “You won’t believe this; my son David moved out for a year and came back and told me he converted to Christianity.” His friend says, “you won’t believe this…my son Benjamin moved away for a year and when he came back, HE converted to Christianity too”! Both upset, they call their rabbi and explain what happened. The rabbi says, “you won’t believe this, my son Joshua moved away and when HE came back, he told me he converted to Christianity too”! The rabbi suggests they call God and tell him. The rabbi tells God that all three men had sons who moved away and converted to Christianity and don’t know what to do. God says to them, “you won’t believe this…”
Why did the cat stop moving as soon as it stood up?
Because it was on paws.
Before moving into the new house, my wife insisted that I throw away stuff that “Don’t spark joy”…
I divorced the hag right away
Scientists got so bored of watching the Earth spin that after 24 hours
They called it a day.
Why don’t scientists have doorbells in their houses?
Because they want to win no-bell prize
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Man: I can do math really fast
Interviewer: What’s 12 × 7
Man: 54
Interviewer: That’s not even close
Man: Yes, but it was fast.
Why aren’t there any Fourth of July knock-knock jokes?
Because freedom rings.
The members of the newly formed Justice League were introducing themselves to each other.
S: “I’m Superman; I can fly, move at super speed, and have super strength.”
B: “I’m Batman; I’m the world’s greatest detective, master of many martial arts, and have gadgets that can do almost anything.”
GL: “I’m Green Lantern; my emerald bling can create constructs of anything I can imagine.”
WW: “I’m Wonder Woman; I have super strength, can move at super speed, and have a lasso that compels people to tell the truth.”
F: “I’m the Flash; I can move at super speed, phase through solid objects, and even travel through time.”
A: “I’m Aquaman; I’m super strong and can communicate with aquatic creatures.”
GA: “I’m Green Arrow; I tell cars when to turn left.”
A Job Interview… “What is your biggest weakness? What is your biggest strength?”
In my job interview, the interviewer told me I had done very well, and he had two final questions for me…
1) what is your biggest weakness?
2)what is your biggest strength?
I said “Well my biggest weakness is that I have trouble discerning between real life and fantasy”
The interview said “okay then, and what is your biggest strength then?”
I replied ” Hmm, either that I can fly, or that I can turn invisible.”
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