As I get older, I realize
- I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me.
- My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance for idiots that needs work.
- The biggest lie I tell myself is, “I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it.”
- I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.
- These days, “on time” is when I get there.
- I still haven’t learned to act my age.
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
A man was lost in the desert. He was desperate for water. Finally, he found a small town, and in the town was a shop. He went into the shop and found a small man behind the counter. “Help me,” he said, I would like some water.
The storekeeper replied, “Sorry, I have no water, would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.
The thirsty man shouted, “What you lousy shopkeeper, I don’t want a tie, I need water.”
“Sorry, I have none, just ties. And only $5.”
“Pahh! A curse on your ties. I should wrap one around your scrawny neck, and chole the life out of you!”
“Okay, said the shopkeeper. It doesn’t matter that you don’t want to buy a tie, or that you hate me. I will help you. If you continue a few blocks down this road, you will come to a restaurant. It had the finest food and all the ice-water you need. Go in peace.”
Cursing him again, the desperate man staggers down the road.
Several hours later, the desperate man crawls back and gasped…
“They won’t let me in without a tie!”
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards as it is forwards?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
If a black box in a plane is indestructible, why can’t they make the whole plane out of it?
Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell ‘mnemonic’?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Why is it called a TV “set” when you only get one?
If you put a chameleon in a mirrored box what color would it change to?
Why do people point to their wrist when they want to know the time? Do I point to my crotch when I want to know where the bathroom is?
Why is there an ‘s’ in lisp?
If you were scared half to death twice, would you be 3/4 dead or 100% dead?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest end up drowning as well?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If you asked a librarian where the books on self help were would they tell you, or would that defeat the purpose?
If ATM stands for Automatic Teller Machine, why do we call it an ATM machine? And if PIN stands for Personal Identification Number, why do we call it a PIN number?
You Have To Believe
by Douglas Malloch
You have to believe in happiness,
Or happiness never comes.
I know that a bird chirps none the less
When all that he finds is crumbs.
You have to believe the buds will blow, –
Believe in the grass in the days of snow;
Ah, that’s the reason a bird can sing –
On his darkest day he believes in Spring.
You have to believe in happiness –
It isn’t an outward thing.
The Spring never makes the song, I guess,
As much as the song the Spring.
Aye, many a heart could find content
If it saw the joy on the road it went,
The joy ahead when it had to grieve,
For the joy is there – but you have to believe.
I hope you liked these cartoons and jokes. If you have any anecdotes to contribute, please let me know. Thanks.
Regarding all these jokes and cartoons, no copyright infringement is intended. The content is only for your enjoyment.