Some groaners:
Back in the 1800’s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression; “He who has a Tates is lost!”
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
Air Traffic Control Communications
A DC-10 had come in a little too fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.” :
Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… We’ve already notified our caterers.”
Some Jokes for the Young (mind)
- What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A Stick.
- What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.
- What do you call Santa’s Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
- What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
- What’s the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup? Anyone can Roast Beef.
- Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.
Jimmy and his brother Ralph both lived in the same town. Jimmy lived with their 90-year-old mother, and Ralph lived across town with his 12-year-old cat, Silky.
Ralph was obsessed with Silky and treated her like a queen. The two were never apart. But one day, Ralph learned he had to go to England on business. He couldn’t take the cat with him.
Ralph asked Jimmy to care for his cat, and Jimmy agreed. So, Ralph brought Silky over, spent an hour explaining the nuances of servicing the aging feline, and departed for London.
Every night Ralph would call and ask “How’s Silky?”. The first four nights, Jimmy, holding in his growing irritation at his brother’s cat-obsession, answered, “Silky’s fine,” but the fifth night, in response to the question, he blurted out, “Silky’s dead!”
Hearing that, Ralph almost died of shock, himself. When he recovered, he said to his brother, “Jimmy, that’s not the way to break news like that to someone. You don’t just blurt out information like that. You have to prepare a person.”
” Tonight when I called,” Ralph went on, “You should have said, ‘Silky’s fine, but she’s up on the roof.’ Then tomorrow you could have told me, “Silky fell off the roof and I took her to the vet’s.” Then, the next day, you could have said, “Silky didn’t make it, Ralph, she’s dead,” and I would have been able to handle the news.”
“By the way, Jimmy,” Ralph asked, “How’s mom?”
“Oh, she’s fine,” said Jimmy. “But she’s up on the roof.”
If you would like to contribute to these jokes and cartoons, please send them to me. Thanks.