Technical Jokes and Cartoons-36

Jack made his way through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy – Either way, you get your dog back!”

Here are some silly puns and jokes.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.”

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,”I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” said Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Daisy.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
She says, “Daddy, I want a new apartment.”

Historical Resumes

Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I’d like to get away from all that.
Jesse James: I can list among my experiences and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.
Marie Antoinette: My management style has been criticized, but I’d like to think of myself as a people person.
Joseph Guillotin: I can give your company a head start on the competition.
Hamlet: My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.
Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.
Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.
Macbeth: Would I go after my boss’s job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?
Lady Godiva: What do you mean this isn’t business casual?

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach.

Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.

The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out,

“What was all that about?”

He replied,

“Nothing. It’s just a stage I’m going through.”

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance about 35 feet from the earth’s surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs – the tallest ones, anyway.

Hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. If we you know any good ones, don’t hesitate to send them to me so we can share with everyone.

Regarding all these jokes and cartoons, no copyright infringement is intended. The content is only for your enjoyment.

Bob Mesnik