A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”
“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.
“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
Q: How do astronomers organize a party?
A: They planet.
Q: What did the 30-degree angle say to the 90-degree angle?
A: “You think you’re always right!”
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Some technical advice: Don’t use “beef stew” as a computer password. It’s not stroganoff.
Jokes from George Carlin:
The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.
Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Jokes of Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Some Silly Jokes
Why does an elephant wear sneakers? So that he can sneak up on mice!
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask? The elephantom of the opera!
Jokes of Emo Philips
I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
A man walks into a bookstore. He walks around and sees a particular book behind a counter that’s locked in a glass box. It has an interesting cover and it intrigues him.
He asks the cashier about the book. The cashier says that the mysterious book was placed on display by the manager and he is the only one who knows about it. The man is even more interested and asks to talk to the manager.
Moments later, the manager arrives. He tells the man that the book is actually a sacred relic which was uncovered during an expedition of some old ruins.
The manager is not sure if he wants to sell the book. He warns him not to buy it. The man is intrigued and insists on purchasing it. At last, the manager agrees to sell him the book for $1,000, As he wraps the book, he warns the man of a curse that will befall him if the last page of the book were to ever be opened.
The man agrees to the conditions and leaves with the book.
When he gets home, he leaves the book opened on the table while he goes and washes up. When he comes back, he finds that the wind from an open window is turning the pages. He rushes to the window and closes it. He dashes back to the book and attempts to close the book but it was too late. The book flips to the last page, and to his horror, he sees a sight that nearly shocks him to death.
“Sale price: $2.50”
Hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. Thank you, Dave, for providing some of these great jokes. If you have any good jokes, please send them to me. Thanks.
Regarding all these jokes and cartoons, no copyright infringement is intended. The content is only for your enjoyment.