An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes, which can be made, in a very narrow field. – Niels Henrik David Bohr (1885-1962)
If a man will begin with certainties, he will end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he will end in certainties.
–Francis Bacon (1561-1626),_Advancement of Learning_
‘The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not “Eureka!” (“I found it!”) but rather “hmm….that’s
funny…”‘ — Isaac Asimov
Errors using inadequate data are much less than those using no data at all.
– Charles Babbage (1792-1871)
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure
about the universe. — Albert Einstein
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.
– Albert Einstein
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”
Next, though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”
The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”
Some Good and Bad Advise
You’ll never regret taking the high road
We don’t have to agree on anything to be kind to one another
Get a Costco membership and buy the rotisserie chicken
Don’t put your finger in the socket
And not so good advise
My grandpa once told me not to use my blinker when driving because “It’s no one’s business where you’re going.”
“No flashlight on your phone? Take a photo of the sun and use it in the dark.”
“Mom said, always say what’s on your mind. That advice is why I was called into HR today.”
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you’re not in shape, it’s too far to walk back
Tonight’s Procrastinators Anonymous meeting has been postponed to tomorrow
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. If you have any good jokes, please send them to me. Thanks.