Quote of the Century:
Dear God, can you please uninstall 2020 and download it again? It has a virus in it.
Another Bar Joke
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man “When are you going to pay for these beers?”
The man answers, “Now the problems start!”
Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!
I’m so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
Dealing With The Isolation
- Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
- My husband and I decided we don’t want children. We will be telling them tonight at dinner
- I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.
- This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog. It was obvious she thought her dog understood her. I came into my house, told my cat. We laughed a lot.
- I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
- Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter —- The Living Room or The Bedroom.
- Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
- Homeschooling is going well… two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.
- I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks, we’d go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.
- Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
- My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
- Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
- I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Backyard. I’m getting tired of the Living Room.
- Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.Another Classified Ad: Single man seeks single woman with toilet paper. Please send photo of toilet paper.
- Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year”… I’m offended.
- It’s like being 16 again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded
Did I Read that Sign Right?
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck by Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
The Man with The Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $18.40 please.”
The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the guy and the ostrich return to the same restaurant and the guy says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke.”
The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
Again, the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, “The usual?”
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad”, says the guy.
“Me too,” says the ostrich.
The waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $42.62.”
Once again, the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the guy, “several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the guy.
The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The guy sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”
I hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. If you have any good jokes, please send them to me. Thanks.
Regarding all these jokes and cartoons, no copyright infringement is intended. The content is only for your enjoyment.