I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, ‘The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.’ He responded, ‘Is that Eastern or Pacific time?’
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, ‘Uh, Pacific.’
They Walk Among Us!
I live in a semi-rural area.
A new neighbor called the city council and asked them to remove the “Deer Crossing” sign near our road.
Her reason?
“Too many deer are getting hit there. They should cross somewhere safer.”
A crosswalk near my office beeps when it’s safe to walk.
I was crossing with a coworker who asked what the sound was for.
I explained, “It helps blind people know when the light changes.”
She looked horrified and said,
“Blind people are driving now?”
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
‘Now,’ she asked me, ‘has your plane arrived yet?
They Walk Among Us!
A novice flyer was getting increasingly anxious about the safety of his upcoming flight, so he consulted a statistician about the likelihood of there being a bomb on the plane.
After being told that it was extremely unlikely, tens of millions to one, the flyer gave it a thought and asked what were the chances of there being two bombs on the plane. The statistician sought to steady the fella and assured him that the odds against two bombs on a plane were incalculable.
Thus reassured, and just to be as safe as possible, the fella brought a bomb on the plane with him.
A man wants to cook a fancy meal for his wife, so he makes his mother’s recipe for beef roast. Before putting the roast into the oven, he cuts off the end. His wife asks him why he did that.
“I dunno,” he says. “My mom always did that. I think it has to do with the meat cooking more evenly.”
“But that’s a very expensive cut of meat,” says the wife, “and you just threw away a good piece of it!”
So they call the mother. The son asks, “Mom, when you make beef roast, why do you always cut off the end?”
“I’m not sure,” she says. “My mother always did that. I think it was a superstition she had from the old country.”
So they call the grandmother. “Grandma, when you made beef roast, why did you always cut off the end?”
“This probably isn’t a problem for you,” she replies, “but my pan was very small.”
Saint Peter was working in his office and the phone rang. He picked it up, and it was the Devil on the other end. The Devil says “Hey, Saint Peter, all us guys down here in Hell, we’ve put together a baseball team. You put together a team from Heaven, and we’ll play you tomorrow.”
Saint Peter said “You must be crazy if you think you can beat us at baseball, because all the baseball players, they all come up here to Heaven. Why, we’ve got Ty Cobb, Babe Ruth, Satchel Paige,…You must be crazy if you think you can beat us at baseball. Think of all the ballplayers we’ve got up here!”
The Devil replied “Well, so what? Think of all the umpires we’ve got down here!”
Fred came home from university in tears.
“Mum, am I adopted?” – “No, of course not,” replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”
Fred showed his genealogy DNA results to his mum. No match for any of his relatives and some strong matches for a family that lived on the other side of the city.
Shocked, his mother called her husband. “Honey, Fred’s done a DNA test and I don’t know how to say this, but he may not be our son.”
“Obviously,” said the father. “What do you mean?” asked mum.
“Well, It was your idea in the first place,” her husband continued. “Remember that first night in the hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry and scream and cry, on and on?”
“And then you looked at me and asked me to change him.”
I hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. If you have any good jokes, please send them to me. Thanks.
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