There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant.
Every day at lunchtime, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant’s kitchen.
One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for “enjoyment of food.”
Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.
The manager said, “You’re enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it.” The Irishman refused to pay, and the restaurant took him to court.
At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, “Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food, and we deserve to be compensated for it.”
The judge turned to Mike and said, “What do you have to say to that?” The old Irishman didn’t say a thing but smiled, stuck his hand in his pocket, and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, “What is the meaning of that?” The Irishman replied with a mile-wide grin, – “I’m paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.”
An old lady got off the plane and went to the customs to be cleared. She held her bag which contained her belongings.
“Do you have anything to show, Ma’am?” The customs officer asked.
She dropped her bag for him to search. After the bag had been duly searched, he handed it back to her. “Anything else?” He asked.
“No, Sire.” She replied.
“What is in that bottle, ma’am,” he asked, referring to a bottle She dropped on the table.
“Oh just some holy water. I am coming from Jerusalem.”
The officer opened it and took a sip. “This does not look or taste like water to me. Isn’t this wine?”
The lady’s eyes widened. “Holy Mackerel and biscuits. Jesus has done it again!”
The bellringer, Quasimodo (not to be confused with the real modo) has died, so the high muckity-mucks of the church are interviewing replacements. After a tedious, sleep-inducing motley crew of the unworthy, in slithers a man with no limbs.
A Cardinal comes to attention, shocked & aggrieved. He tells the man, “Good sir, I am sorry, but you do not have the necessary qualifications.’. The man says, “Forgive me, Father, but allow me to show you my skill.’. The priest nods affirmatively.
So the freak slithers back, springs from the floor & hits the bell with his face. Caught between horror & mirth, Cardinal responds, “I believe you do not have the ability to do necessary repetitions.’. “But,’ the poor soul pled, “Watch, I’ll prove to you I can do that again.”
So he slid back & upon springing forward, slipped on a wet spot on the floor, missed the bell & hurtled hundreds of feet down to certain death.
The Cardinal ran down the stairs as a huge crowd gathered outside. At one point, a peasant asked him, “What happened, Father? Did you know this man?”. The priest said, “No, but his face rang a. bell.”
A couple married for 40 years and celebrated their 60th birthday. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared. She said that she would give them one wish each because they had been such a loving couple all those years.
Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, the wife naturally wanted her and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her wand, and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn, and the fairy godmother assured him he could have any wish he wanted. All he needed to do was ask for his heart’s desire. He paused momentarily, then said, “Well, honestly, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.” The fairy godmother picked up her wand, and boom! He was 90!!
I found a bottle on the beach. As I was cleaning it, a genie popped out and said, you have one wish.
I said, “I just want to be happy.”
Now, I’m living with six dwarves and working in a mine.
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