A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, ‘You’ve been brought here for drinking.’ The drunk says ‘Okay, let’s get started.’
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
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