A guy goes to the doctor with a severe upset stomach. The doctor diagnoses a tapeworm, but says “not to worry”, he’s got a surefire cure.
“Okay!” Says the guy, “When can you start? I can’t stand the thought of a tapeworm in me.”
Doc says, “Okay. Drop your pants, lean over the table.” When the guy assumes, Doc suddenly rams a hot dog up there. Waits 15 seconds and rams a hardboiled egg up there. The guy is surprised to say the least, but Doc just tells him to come back tomorrow.
Next day, same thing. Doc says, “Drop your pants, lean over the table.” Rams a hot dog up there. Waits 15 seconds and rams a hardboiled egg up there. The guy is surprised again, but Doc just tells him to come back tomorrow.
This goes on for 6 days, and on the 7th, the guy says, “Hey Doc, I think the cure is worse than the tapeworm. I can’t take it anymore. Doc says, “No worries, it will all be over tomorrow.”
Next day, the guy assumes the position. Doc rams a hot dog up there. Waits 15 seconds.
Nothing. Waits 15 more seconds.
Nothing. Waits 15 more seconds.
Then when the tapeworm stuck his head and yelled, “Hey, where’s my boiled egg!?” Doc grabbed it and yanked it out!
I hadn’t seen my best buddy for a while and decided to call at his house to see how he was doing. He invited me in and I asked how things were
“Not good to be honest,” he told me. “My wife went out, supposedly to get some milk, and then sent me a text saying she’s left me and isn’t coming back”.
I was devastated for him and tried to sympathize… “ How are you coping?, I asked.
He shrugged his shoulders and said “Well, ok I suppose… I’ve been using that powdered stuff.”
A German Shepherd, Doberman, and a cat have died.
All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
The German shepherd says: “I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master.”
“Good,” says God. “Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you believe in?”
The Doberman answers: “I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.”
Ah,” said God. “You may sit to my left.”
Then he looks at the cat and asks, “And what do you believe in?”
The cat answers: “I believe you’re sitting in my seat.”
How do you get an old lady to swear?
Get the old lady sitting next to her to shout bingo!
I went out drinking on St. Patrick’s Day, so I took a bus home.
That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I act like I know everything?
Wife: Yes.
Me: I knew it.
I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said “Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place…”
I asked, “Are you single?”
She replied, “No, I’m a dentist.”
A drunk goes to court.
The judge says, ‘You’ve been brought here for drinking.’
The drunk says, ‘Great.
Let’s get started.’
The Thoughts of Steven Wright
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
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