My wife called out to me from the other room: “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your chest… like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I said “No?!”
She said: “…How about now?”
One day Johnny asks the teacher “Can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”
Teacher, “No, of course not, Johnny.”
Johnny, “Good. Because I haven’t done my homework. “
Albert Einstein was just about finished with his work on the theory of special relativity, when he decided to take a break and go on vacation in Mexico. So he hopped on a plane and headed to Acapulco. Each day, late in the afternoon, sporting dark sunglasses, he walked in the white Mexican sand and breathed in the fresh Pacific sea air.
On the last day, he paused during his stroll to sit down on a bench and watch the Sun set. When the large orange ball was just disappearing, a last beam of light seemed to radiate toward him. The event brought him back to thinking about his physics work. “What symbol should I use for zee speed of light?” he asked himself. The problem was that nearly every Greek letter had been taken for some other purpose. Just then, a beautiful Mexican woman passed by. Albert Einstein just had to say something to her. Almost out of desperation, he asked, as he lowered his dark sunglasses, “Do you not zink zat zee speed of light is very fast?” The woman smiled at Einstein and replied, “Si.”
And now you know the rest of the story.
A Story About a Bird
A wealthy man in San Diego was an avid bird collector. He had a huge collection of live birds, including every species on Earth.
One day, while browsing through a used bookstore in Oregon, he came across a beautifully illustrated book on birds he’d never seen before, so he bought it. Reading through his new book, he was astonished to come across an entry for a bird he had never heard of before the world-famous and very rare Rarey Bird.
The next morning, the collector checked out of the Explorers Club, took his safari, and set out into the jungle.
The Rarey Bird hunter explained the method for catching a Rarey Bird. He said that what you do is go out into the rainforest and find a fresh “Rarey” Bird path. Then, you tie a string around a tree on one side of the path and hide behind a tree on the opposite side. When a Rarey Bird comes running down the path, you lift the string, the Rarey Bird trips on the string, and you jump up and grab him.
Well, the collector went out into the rainforest and did all that, and he got his Rarey Bird!
But, man, that’s a long way to trip a Rarey!
I went out drinking on St. Patrick’s Day, so I took a bus home.
That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I act like I know everything?
Wife: Yes.
Me: I knew it.
John invited his mother over for dinner one evening.
During the meal, she couldn’t help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was.
She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.
She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.
Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, “I can see your wheels turning, Mom, and I know what you’re thinking. Rest assured, Judy and I are strictly roommates.”
A few days later, Judy went to John and said, “You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can’t seem to find it. You don’t think she would have taken it, do you?”
“I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure,” replied John.
John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter:
“Dear Mom,
While I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘didn’t’ take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner, one has been missing.
Love, Your son.”
Several days later, John received a reply from his mother, which read:
“Dear John,
While I am not saying you ‘do’ sleep with Judy, and I’m not saying you ‘don’t’ sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed.
Love, Mom.”
I hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. If you have any good jokes, please send them to me. Thanks.
No copyright infringement is intended for these jokes and cartoons. The content is intended solely for your enjoyment.
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