A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”
“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.
“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog is thrilled! “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?”
“No,” says his advisor, “in her biology class.”
A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time. The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Unfortunately, he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to research flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked into the sea. He, too, never returned.
The chemist waited for a long time and afterward wrote the observation, “The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.”
One experiment too many
Famous last words from chemists:
- “And now, the taste test…”
- “And now shake it a bit…”
- “In which glass was my mineral water?”
- “This is a completely safe experimental setup.”
- “Now, you can take the protection window away…”
A dung beetle walks into a bar and says, “Excuse me, is this stool taken?”
Elementary, my dear Watts!
Q: What was the name of the first Electricity Detective?
A: Sherlock Ohms.
One day a man was walking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said, “Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss.”
So the man agreed and made his first wish. “I want lots of money”, he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man’s bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss’s account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lamborghini, Ferrari, and Porsche appeared. At the same time, two of each car appeared outside of his boss’ house.
Finally, the genie said, “This is your last wish, you should choose carefully,” and to this the man replied, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney…”
Age 70 might be the new 50, but 9:00 is the new midnight.
I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s
What a crook sees through
What a bullfighter tries to do
A long Joke:
A student and a professor are sitting next to each other on
a plane. To pass the time, the professor asks the student if she wants to play
a game, “All you have to do is ask a question, and if I get it wrong or
don’t know the answer I will give you five dollars, then I will ask you a
question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars.”
“No,” she says, “I just want to sleep.”
He keeps asking, and she finally agrees when he says if he gets it wrong, he will pay her five hundred dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars.
“What is the distance from the earth to the moon?” he asks.
She gives him 5 dollars. “What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?” she asks.
He pulls out his laptop and searches it but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn’t got an answer, and he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her, “So what is the answer?”
She hands him 5 dollars.
Time Travel in a Pandemic
“How did it get so late so soon?” asks Dr. Suess. “Its night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?”
These days everybody is asking, “where has the time gone?” It was just March, and suddenly it’s July. It’s as if we have suddenly traveled through time.
How We Perceive Time
How do we perceive time? Time flies when you’re having fun, but goes slow when you’re watching your 8-year old playing violin at the school concert. Are we having fun being socially isolated? I don’t think so, yet the pandemic is undoubtedly related to our Time travel experience.
On the website, “Exactly what is… time?” many aspects of time perception are discussed. Maybe it can help us understand why it’s suddenly July.
Time perception differs from our other senses – sight, hearing, taste, smell, and touch – since time cannot be directly perceived, and so must be “reconstructed” in some way by the brain. It goes on to say that our perception of time durations is crucially bound up with memory. It is essentially our memory of an event (and perhaps, even more specifically, our memory of the beginning and end of the event) that allows us to form a perception of, or a belief in, its duration.
I believe that this memory of things past is the key to our perception of time during the pandemic. Do you remember when you were young, and the Summer lasted forever? It was only two months, yet it seemed to be as long as Fall, Winter, and Spring. It was filled with incredible new adventures. We were young and learning everything. We learned to ride a two-wheeler, or went fishing for the first time, or learned to swim. Everything filled our memories, and we still remember some of them today.
And then we got older, and now we do things without thinking. We drive to work and don’t remember the trip. We jumped forward in time because we didn’t remember the road, the other cars, the lights, and the trees we passed.
Time During the Pandemic
In the current pandemic, some of us are working from home. We are not driving, not going to restaurants, not going to the gym, not meeting new people, and shopping from home. We get up, eat our breakfast, shower, work at our computer, maybe take a walk. Our memory no longer has new events to process and measure time. It’s suddenly July, and we have become time travelers.
But what can we do about this? Steven Moffat of Dr. Who fame says, “People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint – it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly… time-y wimey… stuff.”
Maybe the answer is to make our time more wibbly wobbly. Let’s look for ways to change our routines. Try zooming with friends and family. Find a new place to take a walk. Fix something around your home. Add some new exercises and maybe do some yoga. Look for all the ways to introduce new things into your life so you can build the memories. And remember, time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
If you have any thoughts about this time travel concept, please share them with me.
I hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. Jane Qualia, Dave Grossman, and Ellyn Goldstein contributed some of these jokes. Peter Mesnik did all the cartoons. If you have any good ones, please send them to me.
Regarding all these jokes and cartoons, no copyright infringement is intended. The content is only for your enjoyment.