A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist; looked straight into his eyes, and said,
“I’d like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “Well, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
Steven Wright
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn’t do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn’t wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally.
I’m sure this has happened to you. I bought a dog the other day… I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him… “Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she’s asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was “woman”.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
A Long Joke
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500″.
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $2,000, please use the ATM.”
The old lady wanted to know why …
The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, “My apologies Ma’am, you have $35 million in your account and our bank doesn’t have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her any amount up to $250,000.
“Well, please let me have $250,000 now”, she requested. The teller did so quickly, then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her elderly client.
The old lady put $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $249,500 back into her account.
The moral: Don’t be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
The workshop on procrastination has been cancelled, as no-one got around to enrolling.
The technical term for “being unable to remember the word you want is, “uh …”
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
– George Carlin
I hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. Dave Grossman, and Ellyn Goldstein contributed some of these jokes. If you have any good ones, please send them to me.
Regarding all these jokes and cartoons, no copyright infringement is intended. The content is only for your enjoyment.