An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven
Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.
The priest was called first, and St Peter said, “For your lifelong career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay for the rest of eternity.”
Then St Peter turned to the Uber driver and said, “For your 2 years as an Uber driver, we will give you a giant mansion by the lake and a Ferrari in a heated garage.”
The priest thought it was strange and unfair, and protested, “Why does the Uber driver deserve so much more than me when I have devoted my whole life the church and God?”
St Peter explained, “You see – during your sermons, half of the audience was sleeping, and the other half was just looking at their phones; but when the Uber driver was driving, everyone was praying!”
- It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
- The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
- When l say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
- I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
- Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching fractions.
The French exchange student raised his hand and said, “Excuse me, Madam, but I don’t know how to say fractions. How do you say those?”
“Easy,” said the teacher, “you just say the top number, and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is ‘two-thirds,’ 3/4 is ‘three-fourths,’ and 2/5 is ‘two-fifths.”
“Thanks, I understand, “said the exchange student.
“Good,” said the teacher, and then asked the student, “so how do you say 4/8?”
“Should I reduce?” asked the boy.
“That would be best,” said the teacher.
“One-second,” said the boy.
“Take as long as you need,” said the teacher.
I just ended a long-term relationship today.
I’m not too bothered; it wasn’t mine.
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby, watching him.
After a long period of silence, she finally speaks: “Tim, I’ve been thinking, now that we’re married, maybe it’s time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs.”
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
“For a minute there, you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!” she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”
“I wasn’t,” he replied.
- I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
- Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
- If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
- I run like the winded
- I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
- When l ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East” or “West.”
Nate the Snake
There once was an island in the middle of the ocean, shaped somewhat like a dog bone, with two populated ends separated by a long narrow strip of land with a highway connecting the island’s two ends.
Oddly enough, the entire island was held up from sinking into the ocean by a big lever, which sat in the very middle of the island, in the median of the highway. The land was so narrow that there was barely room for the highway, with no shoulder on either side and just enough room for the lever in the median. Everyone knew If this lever was ever pulled, the entire island would sink.
This island also had a very old, very friendly snake named Nate, the island’s unofficial mascot. He was well known and loved by all the islanders and was very well respected.
One day, a man was driving from one end of the island to the other, and as he was nearing the middle of the island, he saw something in the middle of the road. As he got closer, he realized it was Nate, crossing the road. He started to swerve into the other lane to avoid running over Nate but realized he was coming up on the lever, and if he swerved, he would sink the entire island, killing everyone.
At the last second, he made the fateful decision to… run over Nate, killing him instantly. As he drove away, he looked in the mirror and saw the dead snake, smushed in the middle of the road, shrugged his shoulders, and muttered
“Better Nate than lever.”
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