A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
“Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?” asks the confused waiter as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produces a wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
“I’m a panda,” he says at the door. “Look it up.”
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.
“Panda: Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots, and leaves.”
I just got off the phone with my friend in Boston. He said that since early this morning, the snow has been nearly waist high and still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero, and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He said, “if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.”
What is Saturn’s favorite movie?
Lord of the Rings
What do you say to a three-headed alien?
Hello, hello, hello
Why is the moon constantly moody?
She’s just going through a phase
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A Russian man lives all alone in a cabin
One day, someone from the government shows up and tells him that due to a map surveyor’s error in the 1940s, the cabin he lives in was mistakenly marked as part of Russia, but in fact, it’s actually a part of Belarus.
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims. “I don’t think I would have been able to stand another Russian winter here.”
* For those who need an explanation of the last type of ghost: If you’re over 60, you may remember that old TVs could sometimes have a double image because of signal interference. Today “ghosting” is also the act or practice of abruptly cutting off all contact with someone (such as a former romantic partner), usually without explanation by no longer accepting or responding to phone calls, instant messages, etc. I hope this is helpful.
A Wonderful Bird Is the Pelican
By Dixon Lanier Merritt
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
These reports of a major snowstorm hitting the Northeast don’t concern me.
It’s all just flake news.
I proudly showed my son, “Check this out! I bought a new shrub trimmer today!” He shrugged and replied, “That’s great, dad.” I continued…
“It’s cutting hedge technology!”
Scissors are a beautifully simplistic piece of technology.
Their invention was nothing but shear genius.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems…
He said, “Can you describe the symptoms?”
So I replied, “Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”
A man went to visit his doctor because his arm was hurting.
“Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out, please?” the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man’s sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
“Hello, Doctor,” says the arm. “Could you lend me twenty bucks, please? I’m desperate!”
“Aha!” says the doctor. ”I see the problem. Your arm is broke!”
During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenger car.
This seemed so statistically unlikely that the city engaged some experts from a local university to study the matter and determine the explanation. What they eventually discovered was that when scavenging, crows always post a sentinel in a nearby tree to warn of the approach of predators or other dangers. The difficulty turned out to be that the crows had no trouble saying “Cah!” but absolutely could not pronounce “truck.”
My One-Eyed Love
By Andrew Jefferson
I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.
Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.
I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
I hope you liked these cartoons and jokes. If you have any jokes to contribute, please let me know. Thanks.
Regarding all these jokes and cartoons, no copyright infringement is intended. The content is only for your enjoyment.