“If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?” “Pilgrims.”
“I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.”
“How does dry skin affect you at work?” “You don’t have any elbow grease to put into it.”
“What do you call a factory that makes okay products?” “A satisfactory.”
“Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.”
It’s irritating when students get ahead of themselves…
These days many college students assume that they’re doing the job already. That’s not how it works. You need to get the certification or get the job.
Engineering students shouldn’t call themselves engineers.
Medical students shouldn’t call themselves doctors.
Law students shouldn’t call themselves lawyers.
Business school students shouldn’t call themselves minions.
And Art students certainly shouldn’t call themselves baristas or waiters…
At the border, a man drives up on his bicycle with a sack on the luggage rack.
Customs officer: “Do you have something to declare?”
Customs officer: “And what do you have in the sack?”
During the check, it turns out: actually sand.
Every day for a whole week, the man comes with the bike and the sack on the luggage rack. On the eighth day, the customs officer becomes suspicious.
Customs officer: “What do you have in the sack?”
Man: “Just sand.”
Customs officer: “Hmm, let’s see…”
This time, the sand is sifted. Result: just sand.
The man continues to visit the border every day. Two weeks later, the border guard has enough and sends the sand to the lab. Result: just sand.
After another month of “sand transports”, the customs officer can’t stand it any longer and asks the man: “I’ll give it to you in writing that I won’t tell anybody, but you’re smuggling something. Please tell me what!”
The man: “Bicycles…”
Little Johnny wants a BMX bike, so he gets down on his knees and writes a letter to God…
It says ‘Dear God. If I’m good for one month, will you get me a BMX bike?’
He carefully folds the letter and leaves it at the end of the bed. He lies down under the covers and thinks for a moment. One month is too long to be good. He gets up and tears up the letter, and writes another one. ‘Dear God. If I’m good for one week, will you get me a BMX bike?’ He folds the letter and then thinks, ‘No. One week is too long.’ He writes another letter. ‘Dear God. If I’m good for one day, will you get me a BMX bike?’ Looking at the letter, he rips it up. One day is too long. He jumps out of his window and heads to the local church. He grabs the statue of Mary, rolls it up in a blanket, rushes back home, and shoves it under his bed. He then writes another letter. ‘Dear God. If you want to see your mother again……’
Did you hear about the guy who got hit by the same bike every morning?
It was a vicious cycle.
When I was young, I used to pray to the Lord every day to give me a bike.
But then I realized it didn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider…
They climbed up a small branch and reached the edge but realized they were now trapped.
“Hold on tight!” says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps, and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
“That’s amazing!” says the second caterpillar. “How are you doing that?!”
The first caterpillar scoffs. “Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?”
When I Heard the Learn’d Astronomer
By Walt Whitman
When I heard the learn’d astronomer,
When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me,
When I was shown the charts and diagrams, to add, divide, and measure them,
When I sitting heard the astronomer where he lectured with much applause in the lecture-room,
How soon unaccountable I became tired and sick,
Till rising and gliding out I wander’d off by myself,
In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time,
Look’d up in perfect silence at the stars.
I hope you liked these cartoons and jokes. If you have any anecdotes to contribute, please let me know. Thanks.
Regarding all these jokes and cartoons, no copyright infringement is intended. The content is only for your enjoyment.