Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Fred’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a wonderful specimen, but this morning he noticed Old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch that he entered the City Show and became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.
What starts with an “O” and ends with “nions” and sometimes makes you cry?
I saw my slightly drunk wife yelling at the TV, “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron.”
She was watching our wedding video again.
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said. “Son when Abe Lincoln was your age, he studied books by the fireplace.
He thought about this for a moment and then replied, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was the president of the United States.”
My dad quit his job to pursue his dream in archeology.
His career is now in ruins.
As I get older and remember all the people I lost along the way, I think to myself… Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
I once ate a dictionary.
It gave me the thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” The moment we walked into the office, she started to cry.
As concerned staff gathered around, I asked her what was wrong, and she said: “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”
Proton, Neutron, and Helium walk into a bar, and each asks for a beer. Bartender asks Proton, are you sure you’re over 18? I’m positive he replies. The Bartender turns to Neutron, hands him his beer, and says no charge. Then Bartender throws beer at Helium. Helium doesn’t react.
I got a job at a paperless office. Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
Some say the glass is half full; others say the glass is half empty. Engineers say the glass is twice as big as necessary.
I get plenty of exercise at work: jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t buy happiness.
I went for an interview today, and they told me I’d start at $3000 a month, and then after six months, I’d get $3500 a month. I told them I’d start in six months.
When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor.”
Some Poems from Ogden Nash
Ogden Nash (August 19, 1902 – May 19, 1971). He was an American poet well known for his light verse, of which he wrote over 500 pieces.
A Word to Husbands
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
The cow is of bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other is milk.
The Lord in His wisdom made the fly,
And then forgot to tell us why.
Song of the Open Road
I think that I shall never see
billboard as lovely as a tree.
Perhaps unless the billboards fall,
I’ll never see a tree at all.
I hope you liked these cartoons and jokes. If you have any anecdotes to contribute, please let me know. Thanks.
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