I asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.
Air used to be free at the gas station, and now it’s $1.50. Do you know why?
Inflation.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100. She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
My wife said I was immature. So, I told her to get out of my fort.
I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!
I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I’m sticking to my guns!
What do you call a violent breakfast food?
A cereal killer.
What do you call an avocado that’s been blessed by the pope?
Holy Guacamole.
Every morning I think I’m going to make pancakes, but I keep waffling.
Why was the equal sign so humble?
Because they knew they weren’t greater than or less than anyone else.
A Doberman, a Golden Retriever, and a cat died and met God. God said to them, “Tell me why I should let you into heaven.”
The Doberman said, “I’ll protect you with my life.”
God said, “You can sit at my right side.”
The Golden Retriever said, “I will fetch your slippers and anything else you ask me to.”
God said, “Then you can sit at my left side.”
Finally, God looked at the cat and said, “And what will you do?”
The cat said, “Excuse me. I think you’re sitting in my seat.”
BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
JOY
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer: $150.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is… ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, $200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
The Winter Boots
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said,
‘Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.’
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
He then announced,
‘These aren’t my boots.’
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream,
‘Why didn’t you say so?’
like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
‘They’re my brother’s boots. But my Mom made me wear ’em today.’
Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.
But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked,
‘Now, where are your mittens?’
He said,
‘I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots.’
She’ll be eligible for parole in three years.
Lexiphile is a word used to describe those who have a love for words,such as: “You can tune a piano, but you can¹t tuna fish.”
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
I hope you liked these cartoons and jokes. If you have any witticisms to contribute, please let me know. Thanks.
Regarding all these jokes and cartoons, no copyright infringement is intended. The content is only for your enjoyment.