What do you get a man with the heart of a lion?
A lifetime ban from the zoo.
A man died after drinking varnish. It was a terrible end but a beautiful finish.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
What kind of tea is the hardest to swallow?
Reality.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
It was a complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and says, “Ooh, I love how high it is.”
The professor asked the class, “What’s a hydraulic ram used for?”
One student answered, “It’s where you get steel wool!”
Some Dad Jokes
My wife just completed a 40-week bodybuilding program this morning
It’s a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
You’re not completely useless; you can always serve as a bad example.
I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink.
To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero.
Thanks for nothing!
Son: “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
Dad: “No sun.”
The man that invented the Ferris Wheel never met the man that invented the Merry-Go-Round. They traveled in different circles.
A Joke
A man is driving down a highway and hits and kills a rabbit. He gets out of the car and walks over to the rabbit. He picks it up and starts crying, thinking he’s horrible. Someone else driving down the highway stops, walks over to him, and asks, “What happened?” The man replies, “I hit this rabbit with my car, and now it’s dead!” The other person gets a thoughtful look on their face and goes back to their car. They rummage around in the trunk and eventually walk back over to the man holding a spray bottle. They spray the rabbit with the bottle, and it comes back to life. It starts hopping away, turning back every few hops to wave at the two people. The man, astounded, turns to the other person and asks, “What was in that bottle?” The other person replies, “It’s hare spray. It revived dead hare and gives it a constant wave.”
The CEO of IKEA has just been appointed as the Prime Minister of Sweden.
He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I woke up this morning to find that overnight I’d changed into a cat.
Don’t ask meow…
A marine biologist walks into the post office
A marine biologist walks into the post office and says he needs to send a large tank overnight. The postal worker asks for the dimensions of the tank and when the biologist gives them to him the postal worker says, “We can’t send a tank that big overnight. It’ll have to go by freight train.”
The biologist pleads with the postal worker. He says, “That tank contains a marine mammal that is very sick. Can’t you make an exception and send it by air overnight so that it can get the treatment it needs? I’ve been working with him for years, and he’s one of the sweetest, smartest animals I’ve encountered. Here’s a photo.”
The postal worker looks at the photo and thinks for a moment, and then he says, “Okay. We can make an exception. But only for this express porpoise.”
Some Dog Jokes
Policeman: “Excuse me Mr, but were you aware that your dog has been chasing a guy on his bike?”
Dog Owner: “Are you nuts? My dog is not even able to ride a bike.”
What do you call a cowardly dog?
A golden retreater.
Why should you be careful when it rains cats and dogs?
Because you might step in a poodle.
After a talking Sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the Sheepdog, “but I rounded them up.”
What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
Another Joke
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months. The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And your brother named them for you.
Woman: No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: {deeply sighs} Denephew.
I hope you liked these cartoons and jokes. If you have any anecdotes to contribute, please let me know. Thanks.
Regarding all these jokes and cartoons, no copyright infringement is intended. The content is only for your enjoyment.