“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.'” – Eddie Izzard
“A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.” – Rich Hall
“My great uncle Arthur died at the Battle of the Little Bighorn. But he wasn’t involved in the fighting. He was camping in a nearby field and popped over to complain about the noise.” – Rob Brydon
“You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.'” – Jerry Seinfeld
Jokes from George Carlin
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Here are some conversation starters for your next social gathering; especially if you want to be alone.
Did you know that…
- YOUR SHOES ARE THE FIRST THING PEOPLE SUBCONSCIOUSLY NOTICE ABOUT YOU. WEAR NICE SHOES.
- IF YOU SIT FOR MORE THAN 11 HOURS A DAY, THERE’S A 50% CHANCE YOU’LL DIE WITHIN THE NEXT 3 YEARS
- THERE ARE AT LEAST 6 PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE YOU. THERE’S A 9% CHANCE THAT YOU’LL MEET ONE OF THEM IN YOUR LIFETIME.
- SLEEPING WITHOUT A PILLOW REDUCES BACK PAIN AND KEEPS YOUR SPINE STRONGER.
- A PERSON’S HEIGHT IS DETERMINED BY THEIR FATHER, AND THEIR WEIGHT IS DETERMINED BY THEIR MOTHER.
- IF A PART OF YOUR BODY “FALLS ASLEEP”,YOU CAN ALMOST ALWAYS “WAKE IT UP” BY SHAKING YOUR HEAD.
- THERE ARE THREE THINGS THE HUMAN BRAIN CANNOT RESIST NOTICING: FOOD, ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE AND DANGER.
More jokes from George Carlin
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
“If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?”
It’s not easy finding technical jokes, so if you know any, please send them to me. You tell me the jokes, and I’ll help with all your technical questions. Does that sound like a good deal?