An engineer died and reported to the Pearly Gates. An intern angel, filling in for St Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, “Ah, you’re an engineer. You’re in the wrong place.”
So, the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan laughed and replied, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God’s face clouded over, and he exploded, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have been sent down there. Send him up here.”
Satan shook his head, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God was as mad as he had ever been, “This is not the way things are supposed to work, and you know it. Send him back up here, or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughed uproariously, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”
My mother-in-law said, “When you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave.”
I said, “Good. I’m being buried at sea.” – Les Dawson
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I met a beautiful girl last night, but she was rather thin. I mean this is a skinny girl. You never saw anybody so thin. She turned sideways you didn’t see her. I took her to a restaurant, and the maître ‘d said to me, ‘Check your umbrella?’” – Mel Brooks
A doctor says to a man, “You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day.” Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, “How is your love life since you have been running?” “I don’t know; I’m 140 miles away!” – Henny Youngman
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, “You’re crazy” The man says, “I want a second opinion!” “Okay, you’re ugly too!” – Henny Youngman
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays; I go Fridays. – Henny Youngman
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. – Dr. Seuss
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. – Oscar Wilde
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