What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
They both have the same middle name.
A man walks into a bar and sits on a stool. After being served a beer, the bartender leaves the bar and goes into the back room. The man is alone in the bar, sipping his beer when he hears, “You’re looking pretty good. Have you been working out?” The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone.
He turns back to his beer and hears the voice again, “That’s a nice shirt. It goes well with your pants.” Again the man looks around and doesn’t see anyone.
When the bartender returns to the bar, the man says, “The funniest damned thing has been going on. Someone seems to be talking to me, but I can’t see anyone.
“Oh that,” says the bartender. “It’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary.”
Q: What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
A: Attire.
Q: What did the buffalo dad say to his son as he left?
A: Bison.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.”
The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
When does life begin? Many religions have debated this theological question. Here is a summary:
The priest: Life begins at inception
The minister: Life begins at birth
The rabbi: Life begins when the child graduates from medical school.
More from Steven Wright
I’m writing a book. I have the page numbers done; now I just have to fill in the rest.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
And more Steven Wright
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.
Hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. I always need help finding the new jokes. If I you have some suggestions, please send them to me. Thanks. [email protected]