I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
I don’t enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O
We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”
Vincent: “One dollar.”
Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.”
Vincent: “You don’t know my father.”
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
An old couple go to the doctor.
The old man goes first to have his physical.
When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the wating room and calls the old woman in.
The doctor tells her, “Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first.”
The old woman says, “Oh no, it’s his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs.”
The doctor says, “No, physically he is OK, but I’m worried about him mentally.”
The old woman questions, “Whatever do you mean?”
The doctor says, “Well I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great.
He said that when he got up to go the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him.”
The old woman responded, “Son of a gun, he’s peeing in the fridge again!”
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool …
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Some of these jokes were contributed by Dave Grossman. If you have any good ones, just send them to me. Thanks.