On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She held up the box and said, “I bet it’s some flowers!”
“That’s right!” shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held up the box and said, “I bet it’s some chocolates!”
“That’s right!” shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held up the box and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
“Is it wine?” she asked.
“No,” the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
“Is it champagne?” she asked.
“No,” the boy answered.
“What is it?” she said.
I’m in shape… Unfortunately, it’s the shape of a potato.
I failed my driver’s test today. The instructor asked me “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Someday when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.
Back in the 1800’s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression; “He who has a Tates is lost!”
A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!”
The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as if it might be something else, like a penguin.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
Hope you enjoy these jokes and cartoons. If you know any good ones, please send them to me.