An old man read in the paper one of his friends had been arrested for tax evasion and decided to write him a letter. He wrote that it was planting season again, but he didn’t have enough help to sow his fields this year.
The following morning a dozen law enforcement officers completely tilled the old man’s garden without an explanation. Later the mail arrived with a letter from his jailed friend which said “DO NOT DIG UP THE GARDEN WHERE I HID ALL THE CASH. It’s the best I can do from here.”
A recent scientific study has concluded that the number of people observing you at any one moment is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Parents today do not raise their children; they finance them.
I’m in the emergency room. This is definitely not a good way to end what started out to be a good day. I decided to go horseback riding earlier, something I hadn’t done in a really long time. With the threat of rain, but no actual rainfall yet, I figured it would be one of my last chances to ride this summer. Well, it turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse & we started out slowly, but then we went a little faster & before I knew it, we were going as fast as the darn horse could possibly go. I couldn’t take the pace & fell off. I caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. No matter how much I screamed, it wouldn’t stop. Thank goodness the manager at Toys-R-Us came out & unplugged the machine. He even had the nerve to take the rest of my quarters so I wouldn’t attempt to ride the elephant!
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was
time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”
“Why not?” she asked.
“I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “One, they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like them.”
His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church:
One, you’re 59 years old, and two you’re the pastor!”
Those who refuse to remember the past are doomed to spending great amounts of time looking for their car in a parking lot.
To gain a reputation of great wisdom, follow these instructions: live long, say little, do even less. – P.D. James
Dreaming in color is only a pigment of your imagination.
“An optimist is someone who goes after Moby Dick in a rowboat and takes tartar sauce” – Zig Ziglar
“Robinson Crusoe started the 40-hour workweek. He had all of his work done by Friday.” – Leopold Fletcher
“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.” – Groucho Marx
I hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. Thank you, Peter Grosskopf, Ellyn Goldstein, and Dave Grossman for providing some of these great jokes. If you have any good jokes, please send them to me. Thanks.