A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”
My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, “Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year.”
A Husband and Wife at Custody court. The judge looks sternly at the ex-wife.
Judge: “Why do you think you deserve custody of the child?”
Ex wife: “I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him.”
Judge: “That is a simple yet good reason.”
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: “Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?”
The ex-husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence, he replies, “If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?”
This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the third time he said, “Look, if you don’t let me unlock the damn door you’re never going to get in there!”
My wife’s birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.
She’s gonna love this pack of playing cards.
Short Jokes
I like jokes about stationery but rulers are where I draw the line.
There should be confetti in tires so when there is a blow-out it’s still kind of an okay day.
Bread is a lot like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at.
Proof that the world is flat: 70% of the earth is water and virtually none of it is carbonated. So the earth is, in fact, flat.
I was walking past a farm and a sign said, “Duck, eggs.” I thought, that’s an unnecessary comma. And then it hit me.
A lawyer said to a judge, “My client is trapped inside a penny.” The judge said, “What?” and the lawyer said, “He’s in a cent.”
Two men are on opposite sides of the river. The first man shouts, “How do I get to the other side of the river?” The other man shouts back, “You ARE on the other side of the river.”
What did one tectonic plate say when it banged into another?
Oops, that was my fault!
What kind of tree can be placed into your hand?
A palm tree.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Summer wasn’t bad either.
I wanted to take a bath, but then decided to leave it where it is.
I try not to tell dad jokes, but when I do, he thinks they’re funny.
Fire and Ice
by Robert Frost
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
I hope you liked these cartoons and jokes. If you have any jokes to contribute, please let me know. Thanks.
Regarding all these jokes and cartoons, no copyright infringement is intended. The content is only for your enjoyment.