Some Dad Jokes
“Did you hear about the man who invented the shovel? Some say he had a ground-breaking invention.”
“‘Have you heard of Murphy’s law?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘What is it?’ ‘If something can go wrong, it will go wrong.’ ‘That’s right. Have you heard of Cole’s law?’ ‘No, what is it?’ ‘Thinly sliced cabbage and mayo.'”
“I handed my daughter an apple. She said, ‘But dad, I wanted a pear.’ So I handed her another apple.”
“My girlfriend is turning 32 soon…I told her not to get her hopes up. ‘After all,’ I said, ‘We’re only going to celebrate it for half a minute.’ When she asked me what I was talking about, I pointed out, ‘This is your thirty-second birthday.'”
“I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels. She never knew I existed.”
“I once swallowed a bunch of synonyms. It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.”
“I’ve been telling people about the benefits of eating dried grapes. You know, raisin awareness.”
“How do you get 100 math teachers into a room where only 99 fit? You carry the one.”
“When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused. It must have been the delivery.”
“Do you know why milk is the fastest liquid? It’s pasteurized before we can even see it.”
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How to Get to Mars
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.
Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
“A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question.
He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
Benny wakes up late for work; he’s had problems with the boss lately, which won’t help. He runs to the car and gets on his way. Distracted by his lateness, he failed to notice the rabbit in the road and ran right over it. His compassion for animals requires him to tend to this matter despite being late. Standing over the mess, he’s overcome with guilt and nausea. Just then, a guy on a bicycle stops,” Hey mate, what’s your problem?”
“I was rushing to work, and in my haste, I killed this innocent creature! I feel awful! And would like to get it off the road.”
“Well, as luck would have it, I’ve got just the fix!” He extracts a can from the bag on his bike. He walks to the rabbit and begins spraying it. Benny’s thinking, this doesn’t seem right, moves to tell him so, but the rabbit springs up, bolts across the road, turns, and waves. The rabbit runs across a field waving and scampering a bit, turning and waving, scamper and wave, all across ’til out of sight.
Benny, amazed and relieved, “What the heck is that?”
The bicyclist smiles, shows him the can, and replies, “See. Hair restorer with a permanent wave!”
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What did one hat say to the other?
You wait here. I’ll go on a head.
• What do you call a magic dog?
A labracadabrador.
• What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?
This tastes a little funny.
My fondest childhood memory is thinking $100 was a lot of money.
The Raven
by Edgar Allen Poe
Deep into that darkness peering,
Long I stood there, wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals
Ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken,
And the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken
Was the whispered word, “Lenore!”
This I whispered, and an echo
Murmured back the word, “Lenore!”
Merely this, and nothing more.
I hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. If you have any good jokes, please send them to me. Thanks.
Regarding all these jokes and cartoons, no copyright infringement is intended. The content is only for your enjoyment.