Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.
An interesting paradox: Noses run but feet smell.
A neutron walked into a bar and asked, “How much for a gin and tonic?” The bartender smiled wryly and replied, “For you, no charge.”
What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!
Some puns (groaners)
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead give away.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
In words attributed to Art Babbitt, an animator with the Walt Disney Studios: “Animation follows the laws of physics—unless it is funnier otherwise.”
Cartoon Law I
Any cartoon character suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Cartoon law II
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Cartoon Law III
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self-pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
(Corollary 2: Cartoons cats have the uncanny ability to emit piano sounds when their teeth are transformed into piano keys after having a piano dropped on them.)
In a fifth-grade class, a teacher asked students various science questions, of which the following were the funniest:
Teacher: “What is the definition of a protein?’
Student: “A protein is something that is made up of mean old acids.”
Teacher: “What kind of tails do opossums have?”
Student: “Reprehensible ones”
Teacher: “What is the spinal column?”
Student: “A long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.”
Teacher: “How long does it take the Earth to rotate about its axis?”
Student: “The Earth makes a resolution once every 24 hours.”
Teacher: “That’s wishful thinking.”
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