Tag: technical jokes

Technical Jokes and Cartoons-51

A guy is late for an important meeting, but he can’t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. “Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!” A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. “Never mind. Found one!”

cartoon-simplified-blogging-atkinson

Jokes from Old Comedians

Henry Youngman

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, “Cough!”

“Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?” The doctor says, “Limp!”

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Technical Jokes and Cartoons-50

cartoon-Harris-limit of universe

I used to be allergic to soap but I’m clean now.

The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.

Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!

My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.

Here is some advice from Phyllis Diller (a comedian from many years ago):

Whatever you may look like, try to marry a man your own age because as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

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Technical Jokes and Cartoons-49

Cartoon Harris- Black-Holes

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him in the head with a frying pan.

‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied,

‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’.

The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’ The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon regaining consciousness, the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’

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Technical Jokes and Cartoons 47

Cartoon Brain-Full

Wi-Fi went down during family dinner tonight. One of the kids started talking and I didn’t know who she was.

Don’t you hate it when you pack the family into the VR room for some recreational virtual time travel, and the damn kids keep asking, “Are we then yet?”

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a jellyfish? One is a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.

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Technical Jokes and Cartoons 46

Comments from George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

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Technical Jokes and Cartoons – 45

cartoon-peanuts-math

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

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Technical Jokes and Cartoons-40

Cartoon-Wyatt-Theory

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings.

The physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.

The engineer pulls out a calculator, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.

The mathematician runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, “There IS a solution!”, and then burns to death.

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Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

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Jokes and Cartoons – 30

cartoon-far-side-4-wrongs

Bill walks into his boss’s office one day and says, “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I’ve got three companies after me, and I’d like to  respectfully ask for a raise.”

After a few minutes of haggling. the boss finally agrees to give him a 5% raise, and Bill happily gets up to leave.

“By the way”, asks the boss as Bill is leaving his office, “which three companies are after you?”

Bill replies, “The electric company, water company, and phone company.”


Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.” The man replies, “And how would you do that?”

The woman says, “Just wait and see.”

She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”

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Technical Jokes and Cartoons-28

cartoon-wheel-protest

I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

Tonight’s Procrastinators Anonymous meeting has been postponed to tomorrow.

The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you’re not in shape, it’s too far to walk back.

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Technical Jokes and Cartoons-27

How to translate responses from your boss:

I’ll look into it.  =   I’ve already forgotten about it.

I tried my best.  =   I did the bare minimum.

Happy to discuss further.  = Don’t ask me about this again.

No worries. = You really messed up this time.

Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.

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