A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What was that all about?”
Benefits of being older:
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You got cable for the weather channel.
- You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
- You send money to PBS.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
A man comes home after a hard day’s work and opens the refrigerator to get a soda. Inside, he sees a squirrel taking a nap.
“What are you doing in my fridge?” the man asks.
The squirrel opens one sleepy eye and says, “Isn’t this a Westinghouse?”
“Um, yes,” the man replies. “It is.”
“Well then,” the squirrel says, shutting his eyes again, “I am twying to west.”
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to church.
Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance the priest went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the priest asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, father,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him!”
A homeless man walks into a cafe and orders a cup of coffee.
“It doesn’t look like you can afford it,” the waitress says.
” How about if I show you something you have never seen before,” the homeless man says.
The waitress nods and the homeless man pulls a hamster out of his pocket.
The hamster then jumps into the piano in the cafe and plays a Beethoven sonata.
The waitress, impressed, gives the homeless man a cup of coffee. The homeless man slurps it down and asks for another one.
”Do you have anything else I haven’t seen before?” the waitress says.
The homeless man then pulls a frog out of his pocket.
The frog starts singing opera, and the waitress, astounded, gives the homeless man a cup of coffee.
A businessman walks up and tells the homeless man, “I’ll buy that frog from you for $300, how does that sound?”
The homeless man nods takes the money and hands the frog to the businessman. The businessman runs out of the cafe.
” Why did you sell that frog for just $300? It is probably worth millions!” The waitress says.
” Nah, the hamster is a ventriloquist.” Was the reply.
Thanks, Dave Grossman, for contributing some of the funny jokes. If you have any good jokes, please send them to me. Thanks.
Regarding all these jokes and cartoons, no copyright infringement is intended. The content is only for your enjoyment.