A farmer and a king died at the same time.
They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.
“Both of you were very good men,” says St. Peter, “but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?”
The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge delicious fruits.
“Wonderful,” said St. Peter. “What can you do, your majesty?”
The king immediately went to the nearest toilet and flushed it.
Ultimately, St. Peter decided to allow the king into heaven.
And the moral of the story is,
… A royal flush always wins against a pear, no matter how big.
Did I read that sign right?
“TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.”
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS…
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS…
Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAYCARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn’t you say?
A mime is looking for a place to get some money. He goes into the zoo and starts preforming, drawing a crowd. Then, the zookeeper drags the mime into his office.
”Our biggest attraction, the gorilla, has just died. If you are looking for some money, we have a gorilla suit that you can put on. We will pay you,” the zookeeper says. The mime accepts.
The next day, the mime dresses up as a gorilla and gets in the gorilla cage before the zoo opens. The mime is able to draw huge crowds by just sitting around doing nothing. The mime enjoys it. However, soon, a lion across from him begins to draw bigger crowds.
The mime wanted to have the people looking at him, so he crawled out of the cage and into the lion’s cage, dangling over the lion. Then, the mime’s fingers slip. He hits the ground, and the lion starts chasing him. The mime yells “Help me! Help me!” when the lion pounces. Then, the lion whispers in the mime’s ear “Shut up! You wanna get us both fired?”
“Logic is like whiskey: it loses its beneficial effect when taken in large quantities” – Lord Dunsany
“If you treat every situation as a life-or-death matter, you’ll die a lot of times.” – Dean Smith
“The best thing about a popular song is it doesn’t stay popular very long” – Max Fryer
“Brilliance I like four-wheel-drive: It enables a person to get stuck in even more remote places.” – Garrison Keillor
“He was a self-made man who owed his success to nobody.” – Joseph Heller
“Few things are as democratic as a snowstorm.” – Bern Williams
“An optimist is someone who goes after Moby Dick in a rowboat and takes tartar sauce” – Zig Ziglar
I hope you enjoyed these jokes and cartoons. If you have any good jokes, please send them to me. Thanks.
Regarding all these jokes and cartoons, no copyright infringement is intended. The content is only for your enjoyment.
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